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Authoritarian Evangelicals, Mormons Heroically Defend America Against Gay Aggression

Dear Reader,

In the name of God and all that is most True and Holy I am publishing on my blog an extraordinarily well written and well reasoned article by my good friend Eric in praise of those humble people who are now heroes to us all — that is, the valiant Authoritarian Mormon and Evangelical gay bashers of America.

Please note: Eric wishes me to assure you he is specifically singling out only those Mormons and Evangelicals who are worthy of his praise — the ones who voted for California’s Proposition 8 banning gay marriages.  But he in no way means for anyone to confuse those good and valiant people with those other Mormons and Evangelicals who either didn’t care to support Proposition 8, or who were actively disgusted by Proposition 8 and voted against it. Praise should not be given where it is not deserved.

Yours in fanatic opposition to the Dooming Gay Agenda,


With all the talk about the financial crisis, the two wars we are fighting, an astronomically-rising deficit and an equally fast-paced decline in America’s standing in the world, the media seemed determined to ignore the catastrophic rise in gay marriages that precipitated all of those problems. In the past few years, more than 18,000 gay couples said “I do” in the state of California alone, causing irreparable damage to evangelical and Mormon families as far away as Colorado and Arkansas. It is not known precisely how many healthy marriages the gay aggressors have managed to destroy, but some pastors have estimated it to be in the billions.

Yet what happened at the voting booths yesterday was truly historic and inspiring. A dedicated, diverse group of Americans have overcome ethnic, partisan, and interdenominational barriers to form a holy coalition which heroically defended the institution of marriage against gay aggression. In particular, evangelicals were able to momentarily put aside their hatred of Mormons to join the LDS Church in their mutual hatred of gays. Our country owes them all a tremendous debt for their dedication in mounting this defense of marriage, despite distractions like the recession and two wars.

But who were these heroes?

They were an unlikely band of crusaders who said “no more” to the gay leviathan, that’s who. They ensured the California state amendment known as Prop 8 passed, as well as similar state amendments in Arizona, Arkansas, and Florida. The amendments provide badly-needed assistance to beleaguered married couples who have struggled to maintain their wedding vows in the face of the gay onslaught. Perhaps one day, measures like these will allow evangelicals and Mormons across America to get married and form families without fear of gay retribution.

While the biggest supporters were the Mormon Church and home-grown, country-fried evangelical congregations from around the country, the Catholic Church and the Union of Orthodox Jewish Congregations of America also poured money and energy into the Prop 8 campaign. Noted supporters included Rick Warren, author of the mega-selling book ‘The Purpose Driven Life’, who is also acclaimed for his work on issues of lesser importance, such as Darfur, global poverty, and AIDS.

In short, the freedom-fighters represented Americans of ALL ultra-religious walks of life, and they crossed racial and ethnic divides to fight the common gay enemy. Historically underrepresented voting groups, such as Black, Asian, and Latino voters who flocked to the polls to vote for Obama last night, fulfilled their duty as citizens in the quintessential American spirit: they voted to change the constitution according to their reverends’ feverish sermons.

The armies of God displayed a spirit of cooperation and dedication in the face of evil that we have not seen in this country since 9/11. They courageously sent their sons and daughters, only recently returned home from Iraq and Afghanistan, to fight the gay nerve center in California. And although many of them have been hit hard by the recession, they nevertheless gave generously to the $75 million campaign for Prop 8. (The Mormons were especially valiant: nearly half of out-of-state contributions came from Utah.)

And last night, God granted them victory over the gay family-destroyers that God sent to test us.

Please join me in thanking them for their heroism.

10 thoughts on “Authoritarian Evangelicals, Mormons Heroically Defend America Against Gay Aggression”

  1. Sigh…apparently change has its limits, and the sickening implications of where it is limited makes me lose a little bit of hope. At least racism suffered a major blow. But it’s been hiding in the shadows for decades. Homophobia is still proudly presented in the daylight, and offered up as virtuous, righteous. I guess patience is called for. But I just wish people were more willing to stop letting people use religion to prop up thinly veiled bigotry without being called out on it.


  2. Love thy neighbour.
    Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
    Judge not, lest ye be judged.

    But at least we don’t crash planes into buildings and kill innocents…

    Well, they didn’t have planes back during the Crusades or the Inquisition but the principle was there – same shit, different era, the only difference being that now the torture is applied through subtler means.


  3. What a shame! I wouldn’t be as surprised if this weren’t CA, supposedly one of the more ‘liberal’ states.

    @leguru: I was reminded precisely of Pastor Niemöller’s ‘First They Came…”

    Truly disappointing.



  4. Personally, I think the government – on *all* levels – should just purge _any_ references in past or future legislation to “marriage” and replace them with “civil union/s”. Leave it up to the individuals involved and their churches (if any) to decide whether the relationship merits the term “marriage” or not; but whether it’s called a marriage or not would be *irrelevant* as far as the governmnent is concerned.

    – M. \”/


  5. It has pushed my tolerance for religious organizations and what possible usefulness they serve that cannot be replaced by other social institutions.

    It also pushes my tolerance for those individuals who belong to these organizations but claim to take a different stance from the organization. It begs the question, “Why don’t you leave?”.

    The fact that a religious movement has established a cultural definition within the constitutional framework of many of the States should be a sign of worry not only about the continued sign of discrimination towards homosexuals but that respect for reason is increasingly being overshadowed by ignorance in a modern society.


  6. They forgot the gays’ responsibility in the California forest fires! I mean, what with them getting all hot together in the woods and bushes… That one’s a no-brainer!
    I hear that not content with ruining billions of marriages among the 300 million fine citizens of America, homosexuals are also the cause BEHIND (pun intended) solar flares, 9/11, the fall of the Roman Empire, the Boston Tea Party, the destruction of Pompeii, distrust of the Boston citizens in their saint priests, the 2006 tsunami, the Clone Wars, the hole in the ozone layer (obviously a sodomite terrorist attack!), French cuisine, Islam, abortion, Bushisms, the crucifixion of Jesus, the Schumaker-Levy comet hitting Jupiter (giving it a big red one), Sesame Street, Satan’s fall, the Original Sin, and Britney Spears becoming a pop singer. Oh, the humanity!
    And they secretly sponsor the Jerry Springer Show to spread their propaganda.


  7. I cannot even put myself into the shoes of the person who supports this Constitutional Ban.

    The feeling that everybody on that side of the argument is, quite figuratively and literally, “holier than thou” makes me sick on a daily basis.


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