Emotions, Happiness, Love, People, Relationships, TJ

Have You Ever Fallen In Love With Someone Online?

I met TJ a couple weeks ago.  Sometimes, you meet someone who is  impressed with you in the same way you are impressed with them. I reckon something like that has taken place between TJ and me.  The two of us  spent hours chatting over the net the other day, and for both of us it felt as if only a few minutes had passed.

She’s a beautiful person, and I have seen summer storms rise over the mountains slower than she and I have come together as friends.   She’s got a pleasant sense of humor, a very good heart/mind, extraordinary kindness, and an astonishing tolerance of me.

Her only deeply serious flaw as a person is she doesn’t read my blog.

Naturally, there are challenges to deepening our friendship.  By far the most important challenge is she’s thoroughly married.  That rather effectively rules out romance.  Which might or might not be tragic.   I have a feeling if she weren’t already happily committed to a very good man, I would have a chance to become an extraordinarily lucky guy.  Granted there’s a much better chance that a pixie is currently farting rainbows a few feet beyond my kitchen window, but any chance at all with TJ would make me insufferably happy.

Of course, my insufferable happiness wouldn’t last.  Too soon, I’d feel obligated to change my ways in order to make the best possible life for her.  I couldn’t be with TJ without wanting to do my best by her.  And there’s the rub.   I’d need to change everything.  Yikes!

At almost 52 years of age, I’m of the opinion that friendships are much better for me than romances.   Friendships are a sane option.  Romances are not.   Fortunately, there’s not much sweeter in life than a good friendship — although chocolate comes awfully close.

Well, that’s my story of meeting someone on the net I find myself deeply attracted to — what’s yours?  And how did it work out for you?

20 thoughts on “Have You Ever Fallen In Love With Someone Online?”

  1. >Have You Ever Fallen In Love With Someone Online?And how did it work out for you?there’s not much sweeter in life than a good friendship — although chocolate comes awfully close.I’m of the opinion that friendships are much better for me than romances.Her only deeply serious flaw as a person is she doesn’t read my blog.<

    Narf!

    – M. \”/

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  2. It means I found something funny. Kind of like “LOL,” but LOL is so common.

    Looks like most of what i posted got truncated somewhere along the line –

    “Have You Ever Fallen In Love With Someone Online?”

    Yes.

    “And how did it work out for you?”

    Same as it always does. Really well for a brief time, then… not so well.

    “there’s not much sweeter in life than a good friendship — although chocolate comes awfully close.”

    Funny that you mention chocolate. Remember, back a while when I posted the theory that I’m an oxytocin addict? I’ve amended that theory. I’m an addict, but the neurochemical in question appears not to be oxytocin, but phenylethylamine. The effect on romantic behaviour/ relationships fits better, and the fact that I’m a bit of a chocolate gourmand fits too.

    “At almost 52 years of age, I’m of the opinion that friendships are much better for me than romances.”

    That’s my opinion as well – though I’m not sure whether it’s rational or (given my current social state and status) rationalization.

    – M. \”/

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  3. I have, and for me it turn out bad, she played me. But it’s all good in the long run, learned something about it. And despite my falling out with such an experience, I do believe that one can find happiness too. My sister and her husband met each other online and have been together for 4 years now.

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  4. There have been numerous online experiences. I would, and should, write a blog about this, but I’m afraid of being judged: Plus the men that I chat with online read my journal and I don’t think they are aware there is more than one!

    1) The longest of all of them, Kartik (over 2 years now). Sandeep, a friend of mine (I hosted him his first week in America from India), signed me up on Orkut so that I could stay in touch with the going-ons in 4-seasons, my apartment complex (has like 30 Indians in it at any given time). Kartik found me there (orkut), and wouldn’t leave me alone… He always kept the convo going, and remembered everything I said. Very attentive.
    The vacation period for us has been long over, and I still talk to him out of habit. He wants me to go to China to visit him, and I trust him. I will probably go, but I don’t know if I’m going to marry him. A year ago, he disappeared off the face of the earth for six months, that made me wary. Need to meet him in person to find out.

    2) Pavan: We knew each other in four seasons, and only the last couple of months have been talking online… But I find myself becoming attached to him, and find him attractive.

    There are others, like Zach, and friends whom I keep in contact with… It’s a lot. Right now I’m trying to figure out where I am in my life and if I should keep on talking to these men. I like the internet because you can be personal and yet far away. Now the gaps are closing, and I’m getting nervous. The courtship is over, and decision time is coming up.

    any questions? don’t hesitate to ask.

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  5. Your blog really touched me, mostly because of how you described your feelings for your friend.
    I have primarily made excellent friendships online. I guess that the good thing about internet based friendships is that you have the time to get to know someone without being judgemental first. You get to the interesting stuff immediately: you talk about shared ideas or shared interests etc. Great post, thanks for that.

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  6. Yes actually I have. The long distance thing didn’t really work but now we both live in the same city we meet up occupationally for a night out or lunch. It turned into a better friendship than it ever was relationship.

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  7. The best definition of love I’ve heard is: a series of actions which prove that someone else’s happiness is more important to you than your own happiness. Everything else is just lust. Not that there is anything wrong with lust! If someone wants to change you, or you feel that you need to change to be of value, you are not in a state of love, but that other emotion.

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  8. I actually think romantic love is a choice, a decision we may not allow ourselves to be conscious of, but a decision nevertheless.

    I was already in love with my Honey when the Web came along for me, and that hasn’t and will not change. I have developed some friendships I treasure, but romance is out of the question.

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  9. Friends with benefits is a better than just friends. 🙂

    I have been in the tunnel on the information superhighway. It’s dark and confusing, and there often collisions.

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  10. My husband and I fell in love online. We played video games together, then we started talking. It was over a year before anything romantic developed, but by the time we told each other about our feelings, we were head over heels. We’ve been together over 8 years, so I’d consider it a success. But really, it’s the way he’s enriched my life that I really value, not the amount of time we’ve been together (although I hope to grow old with him).

    The only problem with internet relationships is that some people misrepresent themselves. And people that you meet in person do the same thing. I think it’s just probably easier online. I think over the years people have become more guarded online because of this abuse. Thankfully, I don’t think it’s really that common. But it can hurt a lot to be lied to and fall in love with a person that doesn’t exist.

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  11. I think I know someone who could be in love with you if only she wasn’t married to my son!! She can’t stop talking about how well you write and how your posts are so honest and how you come across as a lovely person etc etc etc…. LOL And she checks your blog a few times a day. I think I must tell her to simply her life by subscribing to your posts.

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  12. Oh I forgot something else. It is entirely possible for me to fall in love with someone online simply because we are relating at the level of ideas, convictions, emotions and beliefs. And it is perfectly possible for me to fall out of love with the person when I meet them in person and cannot stand their idiosyncrasies, mannerisms and habits. Remember you write a post a while ago about being compatible in a larger way and incompatible in small day-to-day things?

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  13. @ Azakel: Sorry to hear about the girl who played you. I hope you find someone nicer soon.

    @ Havah: It sounds like you’ve got quite a few men in your life at the moment. I hope everything goes well and you find the one you are looking for. But how do you decide over the net which is best for you?

    @ Paul Squires: I agree love really isn’t a choice. On the other hand, most of us can learn to love better, methinks. There’s always room for improvement.

    @ Marleen: I completely agree with how the net helps us get to the important stuff about each other faster. I’m pretty sure now that I’m in love with TJ and that I began loving her before I even knew what she looked like.

    @ Mat: That’s wonderful Mat! And very interesting, too!

    @ Leguru: Those are quite interesting comments on love, but I’m not sure I completely agree with you there. More like half agree.

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  14. @ Twobluemonday: That’s a very interesting idea about romantic love being a choice. I’m going to need to think about that.

    @ Stevo: That’s quite beautiful the way you speak of the internet.

    @ Ordinary Girl: That’s a beautiful story about your husband and you. I understand you have an anniversary coming up soon, so let me congratulate you and wish you many years of happiness and love.

    I agree some people misrepresent themselves on the net, but every intuition I have about TJ tells me to have complete faith in her.

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  15. My dear Usha,

    I have never until now received a compliment that has made me so proud — not to mention stunned — as the compliment your daughter-in-law has given me by so faithfully and enthusiastically following my blog. Give her a huge smile from me please! I am going to be insufferably proud of my work for days now!! At the same time, it is very humbling to have someone care that much for what I write. What an emotional paradox!

    Usha, you are so right about how TJ and I might be compatible in large things, but not in small things. How could we know without meeting each other?

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  16. I once did fall helplessly in love with a person online. He was a friend who I hadn’t seen since I moved away, and much as I was eager to see him in person to see if things would work – they didn’t, and and it turned out he was too real for what he typed. *sigh*

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  17. Paul,
    The story of my life lately is that of meeting folks online who really are wonderful, then meeting them in person, and then, for whatever reason, they go silent on me or they tell me they are married or that they have some dealbreaker problem, like they are getting back with their ex wife. I think meeting folks online sets up a very different dynamic than when you meet them in person first. If you meet someone face-to-face (F2F) then you immediately assess your initial attraction and chemistry level (or lack thereof) for the person. When you meet someone online first, provided they are being honest with you about who they are, then you meet more of the heart and soul of the person before you meet them in F2F world. It can and has set me up for great disappointment, on occasion, and this isn’t all just about how the person looks. It is about how they operate. The entire quandary has me in fits, actually. I recently really fell for someone who is really a wonderful person, but he met me, then went silent. He drove a great distance (1100 miles) to meet me and then went silent and this was after months of really connected conversations like it seems you and TJ are having. I don’t get it and he’s not really giving me any good reasons for his behavior. Something apparently didn’t work for him. That’s alright but it is disconcerting. So, that’s my story of finding someone on the net that I was deeply attracted to, but it is also not the only case for me. Meeting folks on the net can be dangerous this way. That experience and others like it, helped me form my M.O. for online dating, which is, correspond enough to determine whether or not I’d like to meet them. Meet them as soon as possible and bring the relationship face to face as soon as possible. The deeper you go emotionally, the harder the fall when the other person bails because you (general you) aren’t what they are looking for physically (even though my pictures are incredibly accurate and 100% of the time I’m told I look better in person. Hmmm, are they all lying? If a person is married or separated, they are automatically ruled out for me as a romantic interest. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, won’t wear it anymore.
    Cat

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  18. Hi Cat! I’m sorry to hear how disappointing your experiences have been. Thank you for sharing them, though, because they provide a valuable balance to the notion there is always a smooth transition for lovers between online and offline.

    TJ and I have ruled out ever meeting in person. We feel that would not be wise, given she’s happily married. We also feel we should ride out these romantic feelings we’re having for each other. Surely they will pass, and then we’ll have a chance of settling down into a comfortable online friendship. There’s no intention of getting married or running off together.

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