Humor

I Am Inconsolable

(About a 1 minute read)

I have been sobbing for hours.

Last night, I was engaged in a romantic moment with my Acme Latex Love Doll when I was abruptly blown across the room, against the wall, and to the floor.

At first, I thought she’d had her first orgasm, for I’ve heard that with some women the contractions can be quite forceful. I checked myself out and found I was unscathed, except that her boobie tassels were shallowly embedded in my chest. I stumbled back to our bed, and that’s when I saw to my shock and horror that my Acme Latex Love Doll had disintegrated into more than a hundred lifeless pieces.

For perhaps an hour, I sat stunned on the bed fruitlessly trying to match her pieces back together again. It was beyond all hope, but in my shock, I could do nothing else. Then my memory began returning to me. Finally, I grasped the events which had occurred immediately prior to her fatal explosion. I cannot…I will never be able to…adequately describe the emotions that surged within me when I realized my Acme Latex Love Doll had been done in by an all too passionate love bite, which I myself had inflicted on her! She had trusted me! And I had returned her trust by murdering her.

I was filled with self-loathing, remorse and guilt. I don’t know how long I sat there numb with the realization that I had killed my lover, but eventually I came to my senses and realized that I must turn myself in. So, I called 911. In tears, I confessed the whole thing to the operator. I held back no detail, even though I knew I was convicting myself of homicide. I begged the operator to send the police to arrest me.

That was hours ago, and the police still haven’t shown up. (Does anyone care about homicide in this town?) Yet, I expect to hear their sirens and screeching tires at any moment. I have not tried to clean up my beloved’s remains. I want to do nothing to disturb the evidence of my crime. What future do I have without her, anyway?

(April Fools! 😀 )

14 thoughts on “I Am Inconsolable”

  1. love the humour here, have you seen the movie “Lars and the real girl”? This reminded me of it and you in bed with Ms Latex was a lovely read on a lazy Saturday afternoon.

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    1. Thanks so much, Gina! I have a confession to make. My April fool’s post was written about a decade ago, and I now and then repost it as sort of tradition. When I first posted it, someone referred me to “Lars and the Real Girl”! So I watched the movie. Nearly died laughing!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So you got me with the repost! Thought it was a new one. I loved that movie though I did not laugh as much, melancholy me wished some magic would turn her into a real girl for Lars! but your piece was brilliant!

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      1. you grew up in a tiny little town? Well I did too, in a tiny little village and I too enjoyed the small close community. I liked the community spirit and everyone made her very welcome, I don’t remember all of the movie as I saw it years ago but I recall the feelings of loneliness assuaged for a time and the people that reached out to Lars, I like movies like this that gets me thinking of humanity and our role in this life. Making imprints as we tread gently. Thank Paul for the lovely conversation always!

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