Life, Love, Lovers, Relationships, Sexuality

The Most Basic Way to Find a Lover (For Men)

(About a 7 minute read)

A few weeks ago, a 17 year old friend who I know from an internet forum that we both hang out on at times asked me about picking up girls.  “What are the basics?  Give me a ‘Picking up Girls for Dummies’.  Are there any really basic rules I need to know?”

Several years ago, when I knew dozens of young people offline,  I would get that question from both young men and young women, albeit usually phrased differently.  “What do boys want?”  “Can I do something to make myself more attractive?”  “How can I get a girlfriend?”

When you first hear questions like that you wonder why anyone is asking you for advice.  Then at some point you realize it’s because you’re old, and young people — for all their occasional cynicism about it — do have a tendency to think their elders know things.

In a way, they’re right.  By the time you get, say, to my age, you either really do know something — or you’re a fool.  Certainly, you don’t know everything.  No one does.  And those who think they know everything are almost always the ones who know the least, for the Dunning Kruger Effect applies as much to picking up people as it does to everything else.  But to say a normal person can reach an advanced age without knowing a thing worth someone’s learning would be implausible.

I asked my young friend to give me a day to think it over before responding to him because I wanted to be sure I zeroed in on the most important things to know, and didn’t lay on him a lot of less essential advice.  Here’s what I emailed to him a day later:

There are so many fine points to picking up people that you can write books about it, but you asked for the basics, and the basics are pretty simple — at least for a man picking up women (they are a bit more complicated for a woman picking up a man, in my opinion).  So what I’ve decided to do here is to distill the single most important thing you should know down to one point, one sentence, and then explain that sentence.  Fair enough?  Here goes:

Generally speaking, a two dollar tip is standard practice: Simply insert the money into her G-String on either the left or right side of her body so tha

Oh sorry.  That was advice from a future email to you, “How to Tip a Stripper”.  I take your education seriously, you know, and have been preparing a whole series of helpful “life hints” for you.  Hey!  No need to look alarmed!

Here’s the real sentence:  The single most important thing you should do to pick up people is learn to play the odds.

That’s it in a nutshell.  Now, first, I’m going to tell you what that means, then I’m going to tell you how and why it works, and last, I’m going to tell you what you need to do to implement it.

The principle is quite simple.  No matter what else you do right or wrong, you all but cannot possibly fail to pick up someone you want to pick up if you are willing and able to meet enough people.  Nothing else matters more than meeting enough people.  Nothing.  Everything else beyond that is finesse.

I know “playing the odds” might sound too simple, but you will be surprised at how merely meeting enough people virtually guarantees success.

Why does it work?  Try thinking of it this way:  There’s always someone out there who wants to be picked up.  All you have to do is find her.  She might be at the same party you’re at, or she might be at the party you’re going to after this one.   She might be in the chat room today, or she might be in it tomorrow.   She might be in the bar or coffee shop tonight, or she might be in it next week.  But there is always someone out there who wants to be picked up.   All you have to do is meet enough people to find her.

In the noble art of selling, this approach is called “order taking”.   No salesmanship required.  Just get out there, meet people, and — regardless of what you’re selling — you will sooner or later stumble across someone who woke up that very morning thirsting to buy your product or service.  You don’t even need to know how to persuade them to buy.  They’re already sold on buying it.  All you need to do is take their order.  And the same thing goes for picking up women.  All you need to do is find one — just one — of the women who that day has already decided she wants to get picked up.

Now, this is a true story, but it’s a bit vulgar, so brace yourself.  My younger brother when he was at university knew of a man named Karl, who lived on his dorm floor.  Karl was a hygienic wasteland.  No one wanted to be in the same elevator with Karl because he took so few showers that he actually stank.

Karl had another habit that everyone at the time found disgusting.  Whenever there was a floor party, Karl would show up, circle around the room, and ask every woman he could ask if — and I quote here — “Hi, I’m Karl.  I want a buttfuck and a blow job.  In that order.  Interested?”

At the time, almost no one found that amusing.  Anal sex hadn’t become popular, much less blowjobs after anal sex.  What Karl was doing was, by the standards of the day, scandalous.  And Karl got rejected time and time and time again.  But he persisted.  Even when some outraged woman slapped him, Karl would pick himself up, go on to the next woman.

Towards the end of the second semester of the year, Karl found a girlfriend.   A young woman said, “Yes” to Karl’s offer.

In all realism, Karl probably had to ask fewer women than you might imagine before he found one who agreed to give him a buttfuck and a blowjob.  I’d guess fewer than 500, and I think that’s probably very much on the safe side.

Playing the odds works even if you have nothing else in the world going for you.

But how to implement it if you don’t want to be as blunt and obnoxious as Karl?  Or, put differently, how should you go about it so as to maximize your chances of meeting someone you want who wants you?

Now comes the part that volumes can be written about.   But all of that is finesse.  I will only mention one thing here, though.  You can improve your chances dramatically if you simply focus on engaging a woman in a genuine conversation and forget all about picking her up.   That is, don’t make it your goal, “I want to pick up someone.”  Make your goal something like, “I want to have a real conversation with someone that lasts at least 20 minutes.”  That’s the best way to get things going.  And, if you do that, you’re well ahead of most people your age when it comes to picking up people.

One last thing.  Playing the odds is by no means the recommended approach to picking up women under normal circumstances.  In fact, it’s the dumbest damn thing you can do.  But it is also the most basic way for a man to pick up women; it does work almost without fail if you meet enough women; and that’s what you asked for.  However, I would suggest you use it if and only if you’re truly desperate, and have no clue about any other way to pick up women.

Any questions?

My friend responded with several questions which I won’t get into here because the exchange has now gone to more than a dozen long emails. and much beyond the scope of the most basic thing to know about picking up people.

10 thoughts on “The Most Basic Way to Find a Lover (For Men)”

  1. Oooh great post Paul! Although the act of picking people up still sounds challenging and not at all easier 😀 Are you going to do a “How to Pick Men up” for people who gots the taste buds for men? It’d be quite interesting to read! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Good advice, Paul. I must admit that despite my age and wisdom and having been married twice (widowed once) I could not (if pressed) outline a coherent path for finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. I think the only general advice I could offer would be, “Don’t try too hard.”

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Dear Dr. Paul – my name is Robert (that’s not my real name). Do you have any tips for picking up girls for a man approaching 50 (that’s years not speed). I have picked up a few girls before, but finds it hurts my elbows.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Dear Robert (Not your real name),

      I would gladly offer you wise advice on picking up girls at age 50 or thereabouts, but it is against both my ability and policy to offer wise advice. Instead, I very much specialize in absurd advice. That’s because I find it altogether more compatible with the range of my talents and abilities.


      Dr. Paul

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Dear Dr Paul,
        Thank you for your response and lack of advice. I took this lack of advice into a bar last night and sat next to a lady and said nothing. She said she loved men of few words. We are on a plane to Vegas to be married.
        Yours Sincerely
        (Not) Robert.

        Liked by 1 person

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