(About a 12 minute read)
CAUTION: The following article contains raw, explicit, and potentially nerve damaging views and opinions harbored by Paul Sunstone. It is highly recommended that you proceed no further without having handy the emergency number of the International Crisis Intervention phone line. Furthermore, please bear constantly in mind that “it’s only Paul”, and that consequently all opinions expressed here should be taken with a 20kg block of cattle-lick salt. Have a good day (fat chance of that now)!
I leaped out of bed this morning passionately convinced that at least one of my beloved readers — at least one — was wondering today, “What makes a woman a great lover?” But no sooner had I that thought than it also occurred to me that I have solemnly promised myself never again to rely solely upon my own judgement in such matters, ever since I posted that tragically misguided blog article, “Out of KY Jelly? Here’s Paul’s Easy Guide to Emergency Vaginal Lubrication Using Common Household Cleaning Products” — which has since been deleted by order of the courts.
In my defense, how was I to know those products would hurt down there? I mean, do you think I myself have a vagina? Folks should have known I was only speculating!
Nevertheless, I’m not one to shirk responsibility, so I take full credit for making things good by deleting the article within a mere twenty-four hours of being ordered to do so by the courts.
So today I decided to prevent any repeat of my mistake by consulting a qualified expert on the matter of what makes a woman a good lover before posting. That would be Teresums, who also happens to be the sole, last remaining female Café Philos reader that still unquestionably believes in me as a blogger and a conscientious human being. I rang her this very morning.
PAUL: Ain’t no sense hanging up now, I already know you’re there.
TERESUMS: Good morning, Paul. Have you taken your meds today?
PAUL: Hi! I demand to know, what makes a woman a great lover? Answer or die!
THERESUMS: But I don’t know, Paul. I’m a virgin.
PAUL: Well…um…but are you a Board Certified virgin? I mean, is it terminal? Or do you plan someday to cure it?
THERESUMS: Paul, there is no legitimate board on earth that certifies you’re a virgin. And yes, when the right man comes along….
PAUL: Ah Hah! Now we’re making progress. I can see light at the end of the tunnel. So when the right man comes along just what are you fixing to do to him to drive him wild beyond his naughtiest dreams?
THERESUMS: You don’t need me today, you need your therapist. Call Arun and drag him out of that strip club you misguided him to last week by claiming it was a refuge camp for young homeless women who couldn’t afford proper clothing. Remember?
PAUL: Excellent! I have the key I need to write a sensitive, informed post now. Teresums, you’ve been a brilliant help!
THERSUMS: Oh Vishnu, what have I said! What I have I done! Paul? Paul! Are you still there, Paul?
So there you have it, folks. The key to driving a man as wild as a rutting wildebeest with sexual bliss is to tickle his feet until he’s knocked right onto his therapist’s couch. Case closed. Please share this post far and wide on social media sites for humanitarian reasons.
And that’s what I posted earlier this morning. But then I got to thinking. What if there’s more to it than that? So I deleted my post after only a mere handful of emails from irate readers had reached me, and I decided to rewrite my post. The result is this:
Now that I think about it, I have seldom in my 61 years heard men talk in any detail about what makes a woman a great lover. Perhaps oddly, that seems especially true of the men who claim the most experience of women.
I am far more likely to hear a man who is in a long-term relationship, and who has only had in his life a few partners at best, tell me in any detail what his wife or partner does to please him, than I am to hear something similar from a self-professed “pick-up artist” with a dozen or so more notches on his belt than he’s actually merited.
But in most cases, when men do talk seriously about such things, their views tend to fall into two simple categories: Her looks, or some bedroom technique she uses — such as to lubricate herself with household glass cleaner.
But that leaves unsaid so very many things. And I suspect you will find some of those things nearly counter-intuitive, such as the possibility that one of the techniques she uses may easily require a therapeutic period of recovery.
Number One: Pre-Planning
Another counter-intuitive — or nearly counter-intuitive — thing is that what makes a woman a great lover can start long before she actually ravishes her man.
Why is that counter-intuitive? Well, for men it might be, since so many us seem ourselves inclined to approach these questions solely as matters of what is done in bed. Or on the couch. Or the kitchen table. Or in the shower. Or among the branches of the flowering dogwood tree in the back yard. Or perhaps in an elevator. Or maybe in a holding cell after being caught in an elevator.
It is my impression that women, much more than men, are likely to put considerable thought and pre-planning into savaging their menfolk than men do. Although, to be sure, I am poignantly aware that numbers of people are swayed by the myth “spontaneity is everything” to forego putting any thought or effort into it at all. Big mistake, in my opinion. Big as a 20kg cattle-lick block.
So, as I see it, the first thing to look for in a woman is
her skill at making sandwiches her willingness to dream up new and exciting experiments, and her skill at making sandwiches. But what, you might ask, have the experimental sciences to do with all of this?
Number Two: Playfulness
Well, the award-winning “Best in Bed in Colorado” women I have known (albeit not known in the biblical sense — I’m celibate, you know) are the women with the most playful, experimental attitudes towards sex. Emphasis on “playful”. Without that trait, sex tends to become dull, routine, and much like my two wedding nights — although the boredom was admittedly inflicted on my wives, not on me.
But without playfulness, sex also tends to be somewhat awkward or stilted when novel ideas are at last tried. So a lot can be said about a woman’s sense of playfulness here. Look for it in any fine, neighborhood store.
Number Three: Consideration, Kindness, and Generosity
Here, I lump together three closely related traits. But don’t make the mistake of looking for one while ignoring the others. All three are in my opinion absolutely key. In fact, I myself believe they just might be the most important factors of all, out-distancing all other factors by at least the distance a 17 year old girl is willing to low-cut her evening gown in order to lose her virginity on prom night.
The best thing about these three factors is you can easily tell whether a woman possesses them in abundance simply by getting to know her as a person. But that raises an interesting, but off-topic question: How well do you get to know a woman in a bar? Or on an online dating site? Perhaps there is considerable merit in poaching available women in their natural habitat: A yoga class.
Number Four: Intelligence
Quite unfortunately, there is considerable truth to the saying that most men are intimidated by smart women. That is, however, a tragedy. Not only does it frequently result in procreating all-too-“normal” children, but there is actually some science to suggest that men who avoid highly intelligent women are really missing out!
Studies actually indicate that the more university degrees a woman has, the more open-minded and experimental she will be in bed. So unless you are obsessed with spending your nights indulging in repetitious vanilla sex for the next 40 or 50 years, you should at least consider that girl with the glasses who tellingly hangs out in the Dangerous and Experimental Freestyle Fucking stacks at the local university’s library. Those are usually found right next to the Household Emergency Lubricants stacks.
Pro-Tip: I’ve found that in practice there is nothing intimidating about a highly intelligent woman who possesses the traits of kindness, consideration, and generosity. Whatever desires such a woman might harbor to run circles around her man are fully tempered by her humane decency. But beware the intelligent woman (or man) who does not possess those traits!
Number Five: Techniques
This one might easily be the least important of all — which if so, is highly ironic because it is so often the one men seem most likely to appreciate — along with looks. That’s not to say bedroom techniques aren’t important.
I believe they certainly are. But it’s merely to acknowledge that it simply is not difficult for even a completely naive woman to figure out in a flash how to use a common sex toy, a donkey, or a midget to her best advantage in order to mercilessly amaze, stagger, and stun her victim.
Technique is so easily learned the only reason I mention it here is because of its importance — which, however, is not absolute. Great sex can be had with minimal technique too, albeit it tends, once again, to become repetitious.
Number Six: Attitude and Experience
Here, we’re talking about much more than the experience a woman has in using common and easily available sex toys, such as a bible or thorny rose bush. In fact, we’re not talking about those things at all.
Instead, we’re talking about experience and how it can change and mature a woman’s approach to sex, often turning her from a shy teenage virgin into a feral animal capable of inflicting shock and awe upon her obscenely lucky partner.
So far as I know, there is no substitute for attitude and experience when it cums to churning out quality sex one night after another. Unless you’re the kind of man who dreams of debauching 72 virgins for all of eternity, you cannot go wrong preferring a more experienced woman over a significantly less experienced one — all else being equal.
Eighteen year olds may have the looks, but 36 year olds have the lusts, and 54 year olds have the kindness.
Number Seven: Looks
Obviously, looks are key for most men. Whether we are hardwired by our genes, or merely acculturated to appreciate them, most of us are far more easily excited by someone we consider good looking than by someone we do not. A man is a fool not to recognize that in himself, if it’s true for him. It’s simply a tragedy when someone ends up with a partner they quickly lose passion for.
Here, looks include the whole range of things that make someone physically attractive. Physical fitness, for sure. And very much personal hygiene. You certainly don’t want a woman who descends into Ayn Randian depths when it comes to hygiene! She took such poor care of herself that her lover, Nathaniel Branden, gave up on her after discovering her filthiness had made him impotent.
But I believe looks can be over-emphasized. If to no one else, it seems to me just a simple fact that an average — or even perhaps someone less than average-looking — woman can be awe-inspiring in bed if she possesses to any appreciable degree the six other key factors that go into the makings of a great lover.
Moral: Don’t automatically pass up those plain folks, especially if you find them hanging out in the household cleaning products aisle. They just might be wiling and able to rocket you to Venus.
The great thing about most of the factors listed here is that you can assess them before you take someone and her three best friends to bed (assuming she’s generous to a fault). But you should exercise due caution here: This handy guide is by no means to be misunderstood as a comprehensive guide to everything that’s attractive about any woman, nor should it be taken as giving reasons to overlook dozens of other factors that come into play when finding a great partner.
The scope of this guide is strictly limited only to its usefulness in helping you find someone who will most likely blow both your mind and other parts arguably more important than our minds to all-too-many of us.
Beyond that, there is something that bears mentioning here. Namely whether or not you and your intended will prove to be sexually compatible with each other. I didn’t mention it until now because that’s something you can truly determine only one way: By having sex, presumably with each other. It is, however, key and it certainly should not be merely assumed to exist simply because she possesses the seven traits in abundance.
Case closed. Please share this post far and wide on social media sites for humanitarian reasons.
Questions? Comments? Soundly founded allegations it was I who snuck into your bedroom last September to plug your vibrator into the 220 outlet? True tales of men you know who’ve bedded 20 or more women only to end up with less really mind-blowing sex in their lives than the average nineteen year old? Horrifying accounts of bad lubricant advice given by an unknown blogger that led to severe genital burns?