Humor, Poetry

I’m No Longer a Virgin Anymore

(About a 2 minute read)

It would have been better if your damn cat
Hadn’t taken the opportunity
When my back was turned as I mounted you
For our first squash game ever
To decide my bouncing balls
Were a fast fleeing mouse
And claws out, pounced.

Luckily, his attack made me fart:
Dispute it all that you must, but
He died as he deserved, you know.

After six weeks on my stomach,
My bum up in traction,
I was at last fit
For our second attempt.

But we never went beyond oral
Because you were so hot by then
My mustache burst into flames.

You said for our third
You wanted to be fucked
On a bed of flowers,
Which led directly
To traction again
After we fell out
Of that damn flowering
Dogwood tree.

By our fourth I was ready
To think the gods had it in
For atheists like me,
And I urged us to join
That promiscuous cult
Where you were never alone
And always pulling a train.

Our sixth was at your work
And that might have done it,
Had your boss not called dibs
On me.

Now I’m too embarrassed to say how,
But our seventh landed me in prison
Where at last to my relief
I’m no longer a virgin anymore.

I’m no longer a virgin anymore.

8 thoughts on “I’m No Longer a Virgin Anymore”

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