(About a 5 minute read)
Have you ever wanted or needed to predict the future, but felt awkward about trying to do so due to Acute Future Phobias and/or poor personal hygiene as revealed by the fact that your dog went into a coma the last time she licked you?
Well, here’s a prediction about that right now — a prediction that shows I myself have mastered the art of prediction! I’ll wager all that when your dog finally comes out of her coma, she’ll be a bitch about the fact you put her into one.
Now, that I’ve brilliantly impressed you with my qualifications for being opinionated about how to predict the future, let me tell you what you won’t need to predict the future. You don’t need allegedly sophisticated techniques such as palm reading, astrology, Tarot cards, computerized data crunching, science, or special knowledge.
Nope! Forgot elitist crap like having brains! Your uncle Paul’s method of predicting the future is not only tried and tested, and proven exceptionally effective as of this time next month, but it is also EZ for any human to implement and benefit from.
But before I reveal all by
posting choice penis pics telling you in precise detail just how you, too, can be exceptionally gifted at predicting things, let me first tell you how my method came to me.
Back in the days when I was young and my mother still held out hope for me, I stole and read a thick, thick copy of Alexis de Tocqueville’s famous work, Democracy in America. Like so many people who will come after me, I was thoroughly impressed by the singular fact that Tocqueville — “Perkles” to his friends — proved able to predict a substantial number of things about America’s future.
Moreover, he did it without spending more than six months in country! He barely had time when here to get to know our whores even reasonably well, and even assuming he was prone to pre-ejaculation like most Frenchmen.
Nevertheless, he predicted such things as the Civil War, the coming 20th Century conflict between Russia and America, and even the rise of socialism. And this was before the concept of socialism had even been invented by anyone!
Of course, Perkles wasn’t perfect. He got some things wrong, and he overlooked a lot, such as the fascinating influence Madonna’s underwear was destined to have on the content of music videos, but his overall batting average still remains to this day as good or better than most anything that has come before or since.
Naturally, I wondered if he might be a homosexual, given he never took time to properly meet our whores. But I also wondered — genuinely wondered — how he did it.
I couldn’t figure it out, however, until some years later I was reading Charles Dickens — “Turkles” to his friends — and the answer came to me in an epiphany of cosmic proportions that was bigger even than Theresum’s annoying ego.
You see, Turkles was a master — an absolute master — at creating memorable characters. Characters so vivid that two decades after you’ve read one his novels, you can often recall their characters in detail. And they are so life-like that not only can you still recall them, but you feel like you can predict — based on what you know of their character — what they would do in any given situation, even situations Turkles didn’t write about.
But Perkles had done the same thing! Perkles had seen America through the lens of character. He’d thought of the country just as if it was a person.
Obviously, that was the key. The key to much better than average powers of prediction. See things as vivid characters, then ask yourself what they would do in a given set of new circumstances.
Of course, by “character” I don’t mean what high school coaches mean when they speak of an athlete’s character. That is, I don’t mean someone’s morals, their values, or their amazing luck getting laid by whole cheerleading squads.
Instead, I simply mean their tendency to do one thing or another under in a given situation. Pretty straight forward, right? Character is what someone will do, what someone will do is predicted by their character.
But that raises the question, “How is it that humans possess this remarkable trait of being able to see people as characters?” Because it’s simply not inevitable that we would.
After all, there’s only one real compelling reason we evolved to see persons as characters. That is, because we are social animals, and it is therefore of immense advantage to us to not only notice at any given moment that Snerkles — “Michael” to his friends — is not only angry, but that he tends to always be angry.
This is more than a mere matter of reasoning that Jon — “Berkles” to his friends — will do something in the future simply because he has done the very same thing in the past. It can be that simple, but it can also go well beyond that. Perkles didn’t predict the American-Russian conflict on the basis of its having happened before — there was no such conflict in the 1830s when he made his predictions.
Character can be a basis, then, for predicting behaviors that have never before happened.
In other words, the easiest way for a human to think about the future of something, including other humans, is — not to try to process tons and tons of data — but to look for those relatively few facts about something that reveal its essential character, then come to think of the thing as a character, as a person, even if it’s not really a person.
So there you have it, friends. To sum up the two key points here: Theresums has an ego as big as it is annoying, and character can be a path to possessing better than average predictive skills.
Questions? Comments? Smooth pick-up lines? Astonishing techniques for removing the heat from both hot Mexican peppers and the inflammable crotches of teenagers?