(About a 2 minute read)
PAUL: Quick, damn it! Get your precious, rotor-routing finger out of your nose and answer me! What does this devilishly handsome, soon-to-be-a-Nobel-Prize-winner blogger need to blog about this morning? Meaning: What do my flesh-eaters crave like crack this time? Cough it up or this day die!
TERESUMS: Paul! It’s three in the bloody morning Sydney time!
PAUL: Sydney time’s not god’s time, twisted child. Fact is, no place in Oz is close to god — or anything else, for that matter – except New Zealand, which you Aussies are quite obviously too close to. Just like Kiwis are way too emotionally close to their sheep, if you ask me. If I was a Kiwi, I wouldn’t want one of you standing too close behind me unless I was just begging for some PTSD.
TERESUM: That’s not kind, Paul. That’s cruel to both peoples. Shame!
PAUL: Got it! Kindness! Vastly over-rated. Scrub it! Toss it! Replace with porn binges! Post Title: “Random Acts of Lust and Depravity: The New Kindness.” Now, what else should I toss my flesh-eaters? Answer me quicker than a conservative cums!
TERESUMS: I swear by all the avatars of Vishnu, Paul, you have never understood even one single word I’ve ever spoken to you. I still mean it. I could kill you, Paul. The hunger never dies.
PAUL: Right! Now you’re thinking like me. Post Title: “Exposé Hinduism! The Little Known Cult of Undying Hatreds That’s More Murderous than 1000 Afghani Truck Bombs!” Next one, or the beatings start again!
TERESUMS: You realize don’t you, Paul, there’s only one reason I stay friends with you, and that’s to make sure you will never get any more friends ever, you drunk piece of Perkle-squat!
PAUL: Awesome! Post Title: “Scandal! The Vengeful Harbor Sluts of Sydney and the Shocking Real Reason They Go Down Under!” The flesh-eaters will be satiated for minutes now — minutes! — bless their hungry, tiny souls.
TERESUMS: Payback, Paul! There shall be payback, and it’s going to be hellish for you! AND I AM NOT YOUR WOMAN! Paul? Are you still there, Paul? Paul!