Consciousness, Judgementalism, Life, Love, Quality of Life

There is no Ordinary Escape from Judgementalism

Judgementalism destroyed my first marriage, killed her heart for me.  It was helped along by many other factors, of course, including one factor far more important than it: Irreconcilable differences.

But judgmentalism was perhaps the second most important factor, and one that had no excuse of being necessary.  She could have done without it, and so could have I.

Of course, it took a long time for me to see the significance to my marriage of judgmentalism.  I was in my late 30s when I at last got around to closely examining it, and that was in connection with a young woman I loved.

Love and judgementalism are mortal enemies.  Throw them in the same ring together and one or the other dies.  Some folks — usually an abused partner — believe both can thrive together, but that’s simply not true.  If you take care to closely observe the matter, you will see for yourself that where the one is, the other is not.

To be sure, you can take pleasure in someone while judging them.  It’s just that you cannot love them.  I mention that because so many of us mistake the pleasure we get from someone — along with our desire for more of it — mistake it for love.

Please note:  I speak here of unconditional love, which is fairly rare.  Unconditional love, in my  experience, is incompatible with judgementalism.  However, there are several kinds of love, and the others do indeed seem compatible.

Can judgementalism be brought to an end?  I do not think so.  At least, not through any ordinary means, for it seems to be a function of consciousness itself.  As long as we are conscious, we are judging people and things.

However, it seems to me we can greatly ameliorate judgmentalism by becoming acutely aware of it, and then refusing to take our judgments seriously when it is neither useful nor necessary to do so.

Questions?  Comments?

6 thoughts on “There is no Ordinary Escape from Judgementalism”

  1. “To be sure, you can take pleasure in someone while judging them. It’s just that you cannot love them.”

    Why is that? When you mean judgement, do you mean judging the way they are? Their authentic self? Or judging their every action? I suppose that would diminish any love considering it being such an egotistical mindset, but am interested in your response.

    1. Try thinking of it this way, Teresums: What kind of love are we talking about here? Are we talking about the many common kinds of love — loves that are indistinguishable in practice from emotional dependency? Those kinds of love are compatible with judgementalism.

      But what about the rarest love — unconditional love? That kind is not compatible, for how can you both accept someone unconditionally and at the very same time judge them? Isn’t judging them a form of rejection in this context?

      1. Yes that makes a lot of sense, thanks Paul. I think specifying which love is “compatible” and which isn’t in your post would help people understand. Or perhaps only me 😀

  2. “However, it seems to me we can greatly ameliorate judgmentalism by becoming acutely aware of it, and then refusing to take our judgments seriously when it is neither useful nor necessary to do so.” — I couldn’t have said it better than that. You’re right, it isn’t easy to just stop judging, especially because a lot of the time we are judging without even knowing we are judging! But if we follow your suggestion of simply becoming more aware of how/when/why/what we tend to judge, then I’m sure it will help us take off some layers of our judgmental lens as time goes on.

I'd love to hear from you. Comments make my day. Stand and deliver your thoughts and feelings or die!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s