PAUL: Fast! Quit your abusing yourself like a depraved priest with a comely donkey, and answer me — your choice: Anal vibrators or flavored condoms? Chop! Chop! The question couldn’t be simpler, you twisted child, you should have the answer for me by now.
TERESUMS: Huh? “Anal vibrators or condoms”, but for what?
PAUL: Flavored condoms, but god knows you’ll be the last fossilized virgin in Sydney to ever figure out on your own why they’re flavored. I’m thinking promos. Give-aways to toss to my flesh-eaters thanking them for reading the meat I shovel into their cages. Anal vibrators or flavored condoms! Quick! Quick! Your clitoris can wait. It’s not like it’s going anywhere fast — given your pathetic odds of cornering a man.
TERESUMS: Fine! Condoms! Must you always be so abusive — not just of me but of everyone, you ignorant, ego-drunk piece of Turkish sewer trash! When they circumcised you, the doctor threw out the best part. If you tried to rob a bank, they’d pay you the cash to leave. Your mother was right — you’re as funny as a rat’s….
PAUL: Shut up and pay attention! Are you sure you’re being fair about that? I need some objectivity here. Things can be said about both vibrators and condoms. I’m thinking Chinese made Lucky Dragon’s Tongue models for the ‘brators. Can’t beat something that can bring a bear to its knees in bliss. Then again, the condoms are tasty. Decide you diva or die seconds from now!
TERESUMS: Are you sure your readers all want anal vibrators?
PAUL: You’re damn right they do! The flesh eaters are smart. They’ve got brains. They’ve got values. They’ve got sense. They know life screws them up the butt already — They’ll go for the ‘brators like crack to make it fun again.
TERESUMS: Give them the vibrators then. And get off my phone line, you self-admiring, ego-fueled excuse for a human!
PAUL: That’s what’s wrong with you, Teresums. You never have time for pleasantries or small talk. You’re always in a rush. How do you ever expect to convince a priest you’ve got what it takes to be a donkey without knowing how to charm people? You’ve got things to learn from me, you poor, poor girl.