Teresums, You’ve Got Things to Learn From Me!

TERESUMS: Hello?

PAUL: Fast! Quit your abusing yourself like a depraved priest with a comely donkey, and answer me — your choice: Anal vibrators or flavored condoms?  Chop! Chop!  The question couldn’t be simpler, you twisted child, you should have the answer for me by now.

TERESUMS: Huh? “Anal vibrators or condoms”, but for what?

PAUL: Flavored condoms, but god knows you’ll be the last fossilized virgin in Sydney to ever figure out on your own why they’re flavored.  I’m thinking promos.  Give-aways to toss to my flesh-eaters thanking them for reading the meat I shovel into their cages.   Anal vibrators or flavored condoms! Quick! Quick! Your clitoris can wait.  It’s not like it’s going anywhere fast — given your pathetic odds of cornering a man.

TERESUMS:  Fine! Condoms! Must you always be so abusive — not just of me but of everyone, you ignorant, ego-drunk piece of Turkish sewer trash! When they circumcised you, the doctor threw out the best part. If you tried to rob a bank, they’d pay you the cash to leave.  Your mother was right — you’re as funny as a rat’s….

PAUL: Shut up and pay attention! Are you sure you’re being fair about that? I need some objectivity here. Things can be said about both vibrators and condoms.  I’m thinking Chinese made Lucky Dragon’s Tongue models for the ‘brators. Can’t beat something that can bring a bear to its knees in bliss.  Then again, the condoms are tasty. Decide you diva or die seconds from now!

TERESUMS: Are you sure your readers all want anal vibrators?

PAUL: You’re damn right they do! The flesh eaters are smart.  They’ve got brains.  They’ve got values. They’ve got sense.  They know life screws them up the butt already — They’ll go for the ‘brators like crack to make it fun again.

TERESUMS: Give them the vibrators then.  And get off my phone line, you self-admiring, ego-fueled excuse for a human!

PAUL: That’s what’s wrong with you, Teresums.  You never have time for pleasantries or small talk.  You’re always in a rush.  How do you ever expect to convince a priest you’ve got what it takes to be a donkey without knowing how to charm people? You’ve got things to learn from me, you poor, poor girl.

TERESUMS: PAUL!