PAUL: Drag your galloping hand out of your groin and pay attention! I need facts to finish up a post — a sure-to-be-Nobel-Prize-winning-post. Investigative journalism at its finest. “Exposé, India’s Gods: The Slave Farms Where the Gods Were Inbred to Have Six Arms Revealed At Last!” Now don’t leave anything out! Everything you know about the farms. Everything! 30 seconds or else death!
TERESUMS: Paul, you just can’t pull “facts” about slave farms out of your butt, call it “investigative journalism”, and then expect your facts to be real, just because you want a Nobel Prize for being the first to break the “news”!
PAUL: Why not? The President does it. What’s the real reason you don’t want me to have a solid gold toilet like him? Envy of my future success? Hm…? It’s so hard to witness such moral sickness in one so young.
TERESUMS: And another thing, the gods are NOT inbred.
PAUL: What? That’s impossible, twisted child. Just calculate the odds of getting six arms on a god that’s not been screwing his sister. Although in their defense, six arms is probably the only reasonable way the gods can pleasure themselves more often than you. So there’s that. But what do you really know about the farms? Dump it now!
TERESUMS: The gods are beautiful, they’re our friends, they care for us — most of them.
PAUL: Sounds exciting, as exciting as betting what time the first fly will show up to a fresh mound of cow dung. Note to self: Hinduism — Booooooring! THAT’S IT! THAT’S IT! Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant, bless your tortured, twisted soul, Teresums! A blog series focused on the need to make religions exciting again for the 21 Century called, “Religious Make-Overs”. Point out what must be done, what’s essential to keep each faith relevant, fashionable, thriving. Example: “Hinduism — Time to Ditch the Gods?” “Christianity — How to cut the time it takes to be saved in half!” “Taoism — Now compatible with plastics!”
TERESUMS: Paul, you queeze-bag, you’re the last person on earth anyone would ask about religion. The last! Most days, you think Jesus wrote Gone With the Wind, and the Buddha was a Taoist, you drock!
PAUL: Bull! I know as well as anyone Jesus didn’t write Gone With the Wind — I only told you he had a bit part in the movie. Sheesh! You make me out to be ignorant of everything. Hey! How about “Islam — Now with twice the virgins as before!”
TERESUMS: Oh gods! Paul, you have no right to change religions around at will. None!
PAUL: None? But…
TERESUMS: Paul! None!