(About a 4 minute read)
Perhaps significantly more than men’s sexuality, women’s sexuality is typically surrounded and wrapped in moral judgements. Judgements that seem to me to mostly confuse the issue of exactly what is women’s sexuality?
Science can be of too little help here. Many or most of the scientists themselves might be getting closer and closer to a firm understanding of women, but there is enough controversy in the field that a layman might find it quite difficult which theory — or even which facts — to trust.
Moreover, women apparently vary enough in their individual tastes that one cannot assume what goes for one woman goes for most.
Moralism, controversy, and uncertainty — a nearly perfect storm of confusion about a vital topic indeed. Ironically, the topic might be of more concern in some ways to men than to women. Why? Because each woman, whether confused or not, ultimately has a pretty good guide to eventually sorting things out — herself. But men cannot rely on knowing themselves in order to know women.
True ,men and women are most likely more alike than we are fond of believing, but it’s still risky for a man to assume in which ways he is like her, and in which ways they are different.
For the most part, I myself am one of those men who loves women as they are — and that includes their sexuality as it is. I have no problem even with differences that might seem incompatible with my own sexuality. Even before I became celibate, I seldom felt frustrated with women once I’d reached my 30s.
Which brings me to a key point: I firmly believe that — from what I’ve seen — ninety percent of the moral judgementalism surround women’s sexuality is not motivated by genuine moral reasoning and insight. It’s motivated by pure frustration with women, and by an equally important desire to control their sexuality.
For instance, who can reasonably argue that horniness in women is not just as ethical as horniness in men? It takes a special kind of moral blindness to argue against the moral equality of the sexes here. But some folks do.
Some times I think the rules folks come up with for women are so ridiculous that there either is a contest going on I know nothing about, or it is a national pastime to create ridiculous rules. But a lot of the rules come from religion. For some inscrutable reason, the Abrahamic faiths in particular seem to feel sexuality is a religious issue.
Nothing in my opinion could be further from the truth. Tantric yoga might make use of sexuality as a path to god, but they stand almost alone in doing so. And tanra does not advocate the sustained repression of women’s sexuality — as do in some instances, the Abrahamics.
A very popular notion nowadays explains women’s (and men’s) sexuality this way: Women seek emotional intimacy first, and physical intimacy second. Men do precisely the opposite, seeking physical intimacy first, and emotional intimacy second.
There is now some science that challenges that notion. It posits both men and women seek physical intimacy first, emotional intimacy second. Who knows who is right?
My own hunch is women are all over the board on that. Some want emotional intimacy first, some physical, some emotional with the promise or possibility of physical later, and some emotional with the promise or possibility of physical later.
It’s not a wonder to me that some men are hostile to women’s sexuality. But I do wonder about two things, and I wonder about them both a lot.
First, why are some hostile men who have learned to mask their judgemental hostility beneath religion or some other such thing — why are they so influential? So widely believed? I would think more folks would see right through them.
Second, why are not more women utterly appalled at men? I fully realize a whole lot are, but I wonder why there are any left who aren’t? I don’t blame men, I blame the appallingly bad education men get about how to deal with women’s sexuality. If women were that ignorant and misinformed about men’s far simpler sexuality, I’d be appalled at them too.
The last thing I’d like to bring up are the campground rules. The rules were first formulated by Dan Savage, the sex columnist out of Seattle. He was asked what the right way to treat a sex partner was and he responded, like an ethical camper treats his campground. First, he does not abuse it, and second, he leaves it as well or better off than he found it.
I think we’d all be better lovers if we did not abuse each other, but instead left each other as well or better off than we found each other.