“Calling All Sydney Harbor Sluts”

TERESUMS: Hello?

PAUL:  Quit rooting around in your nose and answer me!  I need a true, in-depth post on a major religion for my flesh-eaters in order to satiate their tortured appetites for ever newer and rawer meat.   “The Scandalous Secret of India: ‘We Own All Your Gods’ Says Swami Sri Lankishiva”  Or, “Cover-Up: Pope Gets Drunk, Goes on Joyride in Popemobile Leaving Wake of Death”.  Which one sounds truer?

TERESUMS: Paul Sunstone! Neither one of those is true.  It’s scandalous how you just make things up.

PAUL: You must have picked some of your brains when you were rooting around up there.  My flesh-eaters don’t care about truth.  They live in a post-truth age.  They’re hip.  They’re with it.  They only care that something sounds true, bless their tiny souls.

TERESUMS:  That’s not true, Paul.  You made that up too!  You’re always making stuff up.

PAUL:  Who are you to judge me?  Maybe I’m running for president.

TERESUMS:  You donk, I wouldn’t put it past you…

PAUL:  VOTE FOR PAUL! HE’S GOT IT ALL!  FREE TUITION!  FREE GROCERIES!  FREE LOVE!

TERESUMS: By Vishnu!  You’re serious!

PAUL:  Not yet.  But I could be.  I’ve got to check to see what the perks of the office are.  What kind of drugs the doctor on call has.  What the skill level of the Washington hookers is.  And whether the Lincoln bedroom can be turned into a S&M Dungeon at taxpayer’s expense.

TERESUMS:  If you run, I’m going to warn people about you.

PAUL: “Photo Exposé: The Seventy-two Naked Virgins of Paradise!”  Do you think we can photoshop 72 different faces onto your body with no one noticing?   Hello?  Hello?  Calling all Sydney harbor sluts!  Hello?