TERESUMS: Hello? Acme Rodent Control? This is Ms. Sunstone. I want my cottage fumigated immediately. The premium treatment, please. Don’t bother checking if anyone’s home. My demented uncle and I will both be gone. Just go and gas the place. Can you do that, please?
PAUL: Very funny. I see you have caller ID now. I reckon waiting by the phone all day for me to call is about a thrilling as life gets for a virgin.
THERESUMS: Oh, it’s you, Paul. How can I help you today?
PAUL: Listen up! Life Lesson. Payback is sweet. Sweet! Never fail to deliver it.
TERESUMS: Who are you planning to payback? The people you’ve borrowed money from? Why shock the state of Colorado now, after all these years?
PAUL: My flesh-eaters, Carrot Cake. The beasts who read my blog, bless their twisted souls. Their insatiable lust for ever fresher and fresher posts keeps me awake day and night shoveling dripping raw meat into their cages. But I paid them back again this week, and it feels sweet.
TERESUMS: Oh Vishnu! What did you do now? And have you told your lawyer yet?
PAUL: It took me two days, but I did it! I cycled through my bookmarks reading all their blogs, leaving comments on every post I could think of something to comment on. Let them feel the same pressure I feel now. Let them rush to shovel meat into my cage now! Turnabout’s fair play!
TERESUMS: You called me to gloat? You expect me to share in your petty vengeance?
PAUL: Actually, I called you for business reasons. “Sydney’s Sex-Drunk Harbor Slut Reveals Real Reason She’s Willing to Go ‘Down Under’ on Men!” I need a quote. Fast! Something about your unholy cravings. Leave out no lurid detail!
TERESUMS: No way! I refuse to help you assassinate my own character! You’ll never get any such words out of my mouth, Paul Sunstone!
PAUL: Got you! Understood! “I never refuse my chance to assassinate the poor sailor once I’ve used my mouth to render him defenseless and vulnerable”, she bragged.
TERESUMS: Hello, Acme? Can you put a rush on that? There’s a huge rat needs extermination ASAP.