(About a 2 minute read)
TERESUMS: Hello? Colorado Springs Mental Health Center? One of your patients has escaped and is calling random people in Australia. Yes, Paul Sunstone. I just now got off the phone from him. Agitated? I’d say he was quite agitated. I suspect 30 days is the minimum you’ll want to keep him in a straight jacket.
PAUL: Hah hah. I can tell sitting around all day with nothing more fascinating to do than scratch your butt has finally addled your brains. Do you really think I don’t know you have caller ID and knew it was me calling?
TERESUMS: I don’t suppose this is a courtesy wake up call, although it is 3:02 AM local time. Considerate as always, Paul.
PAUL: This is an emergency. An emergency, you hear? My flesh-eaters are upon me. I can hear their emails clawing to get out of my inbox. I haven’t posted anything in over six hours to satiate their unholy lust for dripping fresh blogging because I’m stuck. The post I’m working on has stumped me. Completely stumped me.
TERESUMS: What’s the post on? By which I mean, which religion or person’s sexuality are you telling exaggerated stories about this time?
PAUL: None. I’m writing an exposé about people who abuse other people…
TERESUMS: You should know all about that.
PAUL: …It’s a public service post designed to help people avoid abuse…
TERESUMS: Paul, that’s wonderful. You’re finally showing your human side. I knew my faith in you wasn’t misplaced, no matter what your brothers told me. I’m genuinely touched you are at last trying to do some good in this world.
PAUL: That’s why I need you. I’m stumped. Click on your email. You’ll find my manuscript. I need you to finish it up chop chop! Before my flesh-eaters totally swamp my inbox, bless their twisted little souls.
TERESUMS: I’d be honored to help you, Paul. Will the article be credited to “Teresums and Paul” or to “Paul and Teresums”? Oh, it doesn’t really matter. Either one will do.
PAUL: “Teresums”? But the idea of asking you to write it was mine — hence, the credit is to me alone. Don’t you understand the logic here? Makes perfect sense to me. Teresums? TERESUMS? Are you still there?