Advice, Art, Authenticity, Being True To Yourself, Cultural Traits, Dance, Erotic Dance, Life, Living, Performance Arts, Sex, Sexuality

How to Watch Strippers (And Why You Should Care)

SUMMARY: Common mistakes people make while watching erotic dancers, plus the best way to do it in order to fully appreciate the nature of erotic dance.

(About a 6 minute read)

It seems curious to me that — from my point of view — people first make sex a problem when it need not be a problem, then they condemn sex for the mess they’ve made of it.

Why is that so?  Why do we think sex is the problem when it’s so obvious to anyone willing to look closely at it that it’s us — our attitude and approach to it — that are the problem?

For instance, take stripping, also known as “erotic dance”.  I would easily wager that most folks who’ve never been in a strip club in their lives would be honestly shocked in several ways if they were to attend a club tomorrow.  Maybe the most shocking thing of all would be how so many members of the audience treat the dancers as subhuman forms of meat.

But is that because sex intrinsically reduces someone to meat, or is it really because the audience believes it does?

I think the latter.  I simply cannot see how sex is intrinsically degrading, but I can see how the morally insane among us might believe it is.  Especially if they secretly approach sex as a zero-sum game in which someone has to lose for someone else to win.  That is, approach it as a matter of conquest.

Such people, in my experience, tend to be messed up in ways that are even far more serious and damaging than treating strangers as meat.  They pollute their own homes with their attitudes.  A thirty-someone woman once complained to me that, after about a decade of marriage, her “sex is degrading” husband had yet to lift a finger to bring her to orgasm — despite her pleas and explanations of how easy it would be to pleasure her.

I’m not sure about you, but in my book, we’re not talking rocket science here. Any husband who can’t in more than ten years give his wife even one orgasm is in need of therapy.

Now, you’ll never believe this, but it seems part of the reason her husband couldn’t — or more likely wouldn’t — do anything to satisfy her in bed was because he thought he already knew all about the righteous duties of husbands.  After all, he was a therapist himself. A couple’s counselor!  He advertised himself as a “Christian marriage counselor”, and made his living at it.

Troubled husbands aside, the audience isn’t the only shocking problem with erotic dance in America.  The women themselves foolishly tend to become callous and contemptuous of — not just their customers — but over time, most men.  Again, people create the problems or — in the case of the women — “solve” the problems others create in ways that are damaging and even harm themselves.

I have heard some people state that “sex is sacred”, erotic dancing is not and degrades sex into something profane; therefore it should be condemned.  But I don’t buy that.  If sex really is intrinsically sacred, then nothing can reduce it the profane.  The truly sacred cannot be corrupted.

So, the first thing I should note about watching erotic dancers in America is that it’s like mining for gold.  You’ve got to work your way through a ton of dross to find even a bit of what might be genuinely valuable about it.

And the second thing I should note is that you are quite unlikely to find even a little gold in erotic dance if you fail to approach viewing it with the right attitude.  All you will find viewing it with a wrong attitude are problems of your own creation.

I once went to a club with a man — a very intelligent, very sensitive man who would never dream of demeaning the dancers — who made one of the most common and worse mistakes you can make while watching erotic dance.

I asked him what he thought of the evening.  “I hated it.  The dancers made me want to fuck them, but I couldn’t.  It was so frustrating, I didn’t enjoy any of it.”

Although it may sound counter-intuitive, allowing yourself to fantasize about fucking the dancers is about as destructive as you can get short of treating the dancers like meat.  As my friend observed, it sets you up to be sucker-punched by sexual frustration.  You won’t be getting much else out of a performance if you allow yourself to become sexually frustrated.

Some people have told me they can’t do anything about wanting sex with the dancers.  But I’m not talking about that — I’m talking about fantasizing about sex with them.  In my experience, it’s easy to avoid doing that.

And that is the “Golden Rule” of watching erotic dancers.  Watch them without fantasies of having sex with them.  If you can do that — or even better, not at all want to have sex with them — then you’ve got a chance of finding the gold in erotic dance.

Realistically, I’d say that only about one in eight erotic dancers are worth watching.  But they are very worth watching.  I’ve only personally known a couple of dancers who really thought through their performances in order to express their sexuality in dance as artistically as possible, but about one in eight — whether they are natural born artists or not — will dance authentically, will dance true to themselves.

With a little experience, you can tell an authentic dancer from a dancer who is only pandering to the crowd for money.  It’s not much harder than telling the difference between genuine art and commercial kitsch.

The thing is, authentic people have an energy or charisma about them that many folks find liberating to be around.  And it’s that sense or feeling of being emotionally and psychologically liberated that is the gold in erotic dance.  That’s what you’ve been digging for all along.  The erotic nature of the dance adds extraordinary power to the feelings of being liberated that you would get hanging out with any genuinely authentic person.

In turn, such feelings often enough inspire and encourage us to be more authentic ourselves.

By the way, on a couple of occasions, women have asked me to take them to see erotic dance.  Both times, the women — without prompting — described their experiences as “liberating”.  Make of that what you will.

Questions?  Comments?



6 thoughts on “How to Watch Strippers (And Why You Should Care)”

  1. Now this caught my eye. I have a client, a man in his seventies, who enjoys attending a club nearby, possibly the only one in the county with strippers. He is on a first name basis with some of the dancers and waitstaff, and clearly thinks the world of them as people. He has never been a problem client, never made a pass or been inappropriate, and the reason I know he likes the strip club is that he asked if it would be OK to give my card to some of the ladies he sees there, wanting to be sure I didn’t have an attitude about strippers.

    Clearly there is one person who sees erotic dance as an art form. C. S. Lewis, of all people — a very loud Christian apologist — in one of his novels gives his hero the line, “It’s as if you couldn’t look at Niagara Falls without immediately thinking of making it into cups of tea.” (Complicated to explain, but he’s been spending a long time in a clothes-free situation with a woman and another character is amazed that he hasn’t made a move on her.)

    People do treat sex as anything but sacred. When they say that they really mean that they want to put it in a box where they won’t have to deal with their feelings around it. Sacred things make us aware of our own smallness and imperfection, and some people never can let go of their own self importance and let the big, divine thing come into them — double entendre intended. They have to tryu dragging it down to a mundane level.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think the main problem couples have is a lack of communication: what we like, what turns us on, how to easily achieve an orgasm, how to spice things up (lap dancing and porn videos too).
    We became too conservative. There are too many taboos today.


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