(About a 2 minute read)
FROM: Paul “Scholar” Sunstone
TO: Jane Basil
SUBJECT: The Truth!
It’s obscene, Jane. Perfectly obscene!
Naturally, I can only be referring to the utterly profane habit people have of misquoting Ben Franklin.
“Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
I do so wish, Jane, the world would cease sanitizing Old Ben Franklin. Franklin didn’t even like beer. The Savant Américan, as the French called him, vastly preferred wine.
You see, Jane, during the Great Misunderstanding of 1175-1783 Between America and the United Kingdom , our Continental Congress shipped Ben off to the Court of Louis XVI in order to secure French ships, soldiers, and gold for a turn of sporting good fun with your Red Coats.
Naturally Ben, being a wise old savant and all, seized upon the opportunity to fuck every French lady of the Court he took a fancy to. They delighted in obliging him too. Ben was known for his twin gifts of wit and tongue.
Seems he was nevertheless something of a discriminating connoisseur when it came to fine French flavors of womanhood. He didn’t just bed everyone, you know.
He preferred galloping with the brightest, wittiest, most liberal and enlightened women he could find who were yet skilled in the fine art of parting their legs.
What he really said in his Autobiography, Jane, was:
“In France did I first apprehended the truth that God loves us and wants us to be happy for she created the world for there to be ladies of surpassing kindness, intelligence, wit, generosity, and beauty — and that furthermore, and moreover, and even more so — they so very often come equipped with a pussy and a will to spoil it.”
That, Jane, is what Wise Old Ben really said. Now confess! Even your Tragic William cannot top Good Old American Ben for the keenness of his insight into which is the cake, and which is the icing, of a woman.
Yours in the Quest for Historical Accuracy,
Those who are genuinely curious may wish to know that the closest Franklin said to “his” famous beer quote were his words written in a letter to his friend, André Morellet. Translated from the French, the passage reads:
“Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards, and which incorporates itself with the grapes to be changed into wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy!”