(About a 2 minute read)
A very experienced man, Patrick, tells me that the most pleasurable sex he’s ever had in his life came about as a one-night stand with a perfect, but perfectly skilled, stranger.
Patrick has been married for at least a dozen years to the love of his life.
I myself cannot say quite the same thing as him about the best sex. The best sex I have had came about within a committed relationship. But I do think I can confirm that — in terms of pleasure — sexual skillfulness can go quite far towards making up for a relative lack of emotional intimacy.
Confirm that for me, if for no one else.
Put differently, the notion that emotional intimacy is absolutely key to sexual pleasure might be a myth — at least for some people. For while intimacy certainly enhances sexual pleasure for most of us, so too does skillfulness for most of us.
Our culture does not recognize that fact. We are so often told that almost everything depends on emotional intimacy and emotional intimacy alone. But is our culture doing us a service there?
I recall another friend of mine, Jennifer, telling me she stayed in an abusive relationship for six or seven years because she had convinced herself that surely she must be in love with her abuser or otherwise the sex would not be as mind-blowing as it was.
Was she encouraged to think that way by our culture? Or was that her own idea? Or both?
Who really knows?
It would be nice to see some science on the subject. A few surveys might give us an idea how most of us rank emotional intimacy relative to sexual skillfulness. In the end, however, there is no substitute for figuring out your own answer to the question.
As for myself, I am greedy and want both. Give me warm intimacy and cold ice cubes!