Humor, People, Teresums

“Oh My Vishnu, No!”

TERESUMS:  If this is Paul Sunstone, I’m not home.

PAUL:  Very hilarious.  I’ll certainly set aside some time this month to laugh at your joke.  Right now I need answers chop chop!  What makes someone a great lover?  Answer me this instant or your head will roll! My flesh eaters are waiting for a dripping fresh post.

TERESUMS:  Have you forgotten I’m a virgin, Paul?

PAUL: Bark up an answer now!  What did your Chinese-made Lucky Dragon’s Tongue vibrator do that first made you realize you were in love with it?  I mean, besides the obvious.

TERESUMS: Easy.  It had a better personality than you.

PAUL: Got it!  “Sydney Harbor Slut Confesses:  Paul’s Gift to Me Made Me a Woman!”

TERESUMS: The only thing your gift did was eat up six packages of batteries in three days, sucked everyone of them dry.  Oh my Vishnu!  No!  No, I didn’t say that!

PAUL:  Got it!  “Exposé: Harbor Slut Sucks Fleet’s Sailors Dry in Three Day Orgy of Bhagavad Gita Proportions!”

TERESUMS:  I give up.  I surrender.  I’m through trying to reform you, Paul. I merely aim to murder you now.

Humor, People, Teresums

“Don’t You Understand the Logic Here?”

(About a 2 minute read)

TERESUMS:  Hello?  Colorado Springs Mental Health Center?  One of your patients has escaped and is calling random people in Australia.  Yes, Paul Sunstone.  I just now got off the phone from him.  Agitated?  I’d say he was quite agitated.  I suspect 30 days is the minimum you’ll want to keep him in a straight jacket.

PAUL:  Hah hah.  I can tell sitting around all day with nothing more fascinating to do than scratch your butt has finally addled your brains.  Do you really think I don’t know you have caller ID and knew it was me calling?

TERESUMS:  I don’t suppose this is a courtesy wake up call, although it is 3:02 AM local time.  Considerate as always, Paul.

Continue reading ““Don’t You Understand the Logic Here?””

Humor, Love, Miscellaneous, Poetry

Clueless

I adore you, Toots.
Your breasts are lovely,
So’s your butt.
What more do you want
Me to admit?

I’m dark and handsome,
Strong and rich.
If I didn’t love you,
I’d be with someone else, right?

What’s all this
About needing romance?

Is that some kind of criticism?

I thought I gave you some romance
Last May, a box of chocolates.
Don’t tell me they’re all gone.
This is only September!

You’re leaving me? Really?
What for? I said I love you.

Fine! Try to do better!
Just try.

You’ll be back.

Good men are hard to find.

Humor, People, Teresums

“Payback is sweet”

TERESUMS:  Hello?  Acme Rodent Control?  This is Ms. Sunstone. I want my cottage fumigated immediately.  The premium treatment, please.  Don’t bother checking if anyone’s home.  My demented uncle and I will both be gone.  Just go and gas the place.  Can you do that, please?

PAUL: Very funny.  I see you have caller ID now.  I reckon waiting by the phone all day for me to call is about a thrilling as life gets for a virgin.

THERESUMS:  Oh, it’s you, Paul.  How can I help you today?

Continue reading ““Payback is sweet””

Humor, People, Teresums

“I See Your Reasoning”

TERESUMS:  Hello?

PAUL:  Death if you don’t answer!  What’s a great blog topic for my next post?  Chop! Chop!  Hurry up!

TERESUMS: Perhaps a long overdue apology to your readers for inflicting your trashy opinions on them?

PAUL:  Realism, Toots, realism.  My flesh-eaters don’t care about quality, they just want steaming, raw chunks of nearly living meat shoveled into their cages at frequent intervals.

TERESUMS: I think you’re confusing “don’t want quality” with “having given up all hope of ever getting quality” from you.

PAUL:  Got you!  “EXPOSÉ: How My Savage Blog Readers Rip Prose and Poetry From My Furiously Flying Fingers!”  Excellent idea, Toots.  It’ll make ’em cry!

TERESUMS: More like boooooring.  And the last time anyone cried over you was when your mother figured out you’d never be quite right in the head.

PAUL: Not true!  It was when I gave her a vibrator for her birthday.

TERESUMS: You what?

PAUL: It was a mix up.  I meant it for my brother’s fiancé.  I figured she’d need it if she was determined to marry him.  Instead, she got the painting of me dressed as Elvis on black velvet that was intended for mom.  Neither one of them ever forgave me.

TERESUMS:  Are you trying to tell me you think you know more about sex than your married brother?

PAUL:  He taught me everything I know.

TERESUMS:  I see your reasoning.

PAUL:  “EXCLUSIVE: Sydney’s Infamous Harbor Slut Endorses Giving Vibrators to Your Own Mother”.

TERESUMS:  Hello, Secret Service?  Yes, I just overheard a plausible plot to assassinate the President of your country.  Sunstone.  Paul Sunstone.  Armed and dangerous.  Better go in guns blazing…

Humor, People, Teresums

“No way! You gave it for my birthday! It’s mine now.”

PAUL: What are you up to?

TERESUMS: What? No initial insults about me wanking or picking my nose?  Paul, are you sick?  Sick? By Vishnu! You must be on your deathbed.  But since you ask so civilly, I’ll tell you. I was cleaning.  Cleaning my room and some garbage out back.

PAUL:  You clean your garbage before putting it out to be picked up?  How…interesting.  To be honest, I was more comfortable when you sat around all day trying to decide between picking your nose, wanking yet another time, and scratching your butt.  If this is the new you, I’m not enjoying it.

TERESUMS:  I knew it!  I just knew I wasn’t lucky enough you’d be on your deathbed dying.  The whole world has had bad luck ever since you voted for Trump on the grounds he’d bring “sanity” back to the White House.

PAUL: I did NOT vote for Trump.  I wrote myself in like I always do.  Enough with the idle chit-chat.  “EXPOSÉ: Ayatollah Khomeini Has Returned as a Zombie and is Ruling Iran from a Sex Dungeon in Tehran!”  Works? Doesn’t Work?  Answer me in 15 seconds or death comes with tomorrow’s sunrise!

TERESUMS: I refuse to take any responsibility for your no-doubt parasite-induced dementia, Paul.  I refuse!

PAUL: Then I want my Russian-made Dancing Bear “Hero-of-the-Federation” Dildo returned to me on the very next air cargo flight out of Sydney.

TERESUMS: No way!  You gave it for my birthday!  It’s mine now.

PAUL: Return it!

TERESUMS: Mine!

PAUL: Hello?  Hello?  HELLO?

Abuse, Complaining, Emotions, Human Nature, Humor, Irony, Life, Living, Mental and Emotional Health, Satire, Self-Pity, Spirituality, Whining

What is the Best Way to Whine About Life?

(About a 4 minute read)

“Never explain, never complain.” — Benjamin Disraeli

I have long been an enemy of the cheerful notion that “Life is Only What We Make It to Be”.  I much prefer, as I like to put it, “to see both the spider and the fly, to accept both the flower and the thorns of life”.

The notion that we should or must focus on the silver linings, or be unreasonably optimistic about both the present and the future, is simply alien to my spirit.

But please don’t get me wrong!  I am not advocating unreasonable pessimism any more than I am advocating unreasonable optimism.  When no reason for either pessimism or optimism exists, I advocate neutrality.  And I have the experience to say with certainty that, even in the darkest hours, we do not know that tomorrow will be dark.  I have known both totally unexpected bad fortune, and totally unexpected good fortune, too.

Continue reading “What is the Best Way to Whine About Life?”