Free Spirit, Friends, Fun, Horniness, Humor, Life, Living, Play, Quality of Life, Relationships, Sex, Sexuality, The Art of Living Well

Geri. Sexuality and the Single Genius Secretary

(About a 6 minute read)

The first I noticed that Geri — our sales office secretary — might have a more than usually interesting sexuality was when she put Chicago’s “Daily Sex Tips Hotline” on every speakerphone in the office.

That’s to say, Geri went desk to desk, dialed the Hotline’s number into all of our phones one after the other, and punched the “speaker” button.  The whole office was soon singing, “Men often do not play nearly enough with their partner’s breasts and nipples…”.

Continue reading “Geri. Sexuality and the Single Genius Secretary”

Humor

What is a “Feeling”?

KATHERINE: Can we talk?  I want to know how you two guys really feel about us women.  What do you really feel about us?

NICK: Well…I’d have to think…

KATHERINE: Not think, what do you feel?

NICK: Oh!  Yeah, well I don’t tell her this often enough but I feel gratitude, real gratitude when my girlfriend gets me a beer so I won’t miss any plays while I’m watching the Rams.

PAUL:  I’m celibate as you both know, but I find Nick’s testimony and witness deeply resonates with how I have felt in the distant past about my first wife’s sandwiches.  I can recall the very first sandwich she ever made for me just like it was yesterday…

KATHERINE:  I’m serious!  I’m really serious.  Can’t you talk about your feelings?

NICK:  Sure!  Feelings.  Got it.  Is a fart a feeling?

PAUL:  I’m pretty sure they are, Nick.  Farts move deep inside you.  People say feelings are things that move deep inside you.  It’s a no brainer, Nick.

KATHERINE: I’m outta here!  Don’t let me see either one of you for a week.  Not for a week, or you’re dead!  You hear?  I’m gone!

NICK: Was it something we said, Paul?

PAUL;  Yeah, I think it must have been.  I think she must not be a Rams fan.

Humor

Gotta Know! Don, I Gotta Know!

DON: Hello?

PAUL: Don! Gotta know!  If you were a tortoise, how many hares would you want to outrun each day?  Seriously!

DON: Oh, I don’t know.  Maybe…Wait! Why am I trying to answer this question again?

PAUL:  First how many hares?  Then I can tell you.  Seriously!  How many hares?

DON:  Ok, six. Six hares.  Now spill it!  Why are you asking this?

PAUL:  YES! SIX!  Don, that’s the very same, the exact same number of hares I myself would want to outrun if I were a tortoise!

DON:  Ok. Alright. Alright. But why are you asking?

PAUL:  Are you saying you don’t find the question intrinsically interesting?  I’ve been thinking about it for 50 minutes now.  Fascinating question, don’t you think?  Absolutely a fascinating question!  And the answers, Don!  Out of an infinite number of possibilities, what are odds of our having picked the very same number of hares? Imagine the statisticians faces when I pub…  …  Don?  Are you still there, Don?  Don!  Don, your phone broke…again!

Humor

What Ben Franklin Really Said…

(About a 2 minute read)

FROM: Paul “Scholar” Sunstone
TO: Jane Basil
SUBJECT: The Truth!

It’s obscene, Jane.  Perfectly obscene!

Naturally, I can only be referring to the utterly profane habit people have of misquoting Ben Franklin.

“Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

Rubbish!

Continue reading “What Ben Franklin Really Said…”

Humor

I Would Feel Untrue

Have you noticed?  Not everyone wants you to be kind to them.  They might say they do, but then they have their ways of sabotaging anyone’s kindness towards them.

I like Jane.  She’s old and wise enough to embrace any freely-given kindness that’s shown her.

I like Terese and Marysa, too.  But showing them kindness just does not work.  They’re both too young.

Not too young to appreciate kindness — both have had it rough enough that you can bet they appreciate kindness!

Not even young people are too young too appreciate kindness.

It’s just whenever I’m kind to young people, I feel I’m betraying myself.  I feel untrue.  It’s just not “me” to be kind to young people.

Humor

Beans

I ate beans for lunch today. I don’t much like beans, and I don’t usually eat them. But Dr. Warwick tells me to eat beans.  He’s an Evangelical Christian, and in all ways, one of the most exemplary Christians I know.

He’s an Evangelical, but even so he’s truly religious. Spends two or three months each year in Honduras providing free medical services to poor folks.  And that’s just the Doc warming himself up for all the good works he does.

Now and then he tells me how much he loves Jesus.  But he’s even more religious about beans. He’s a fanatic for beans.  I think, “Must of read about beans in med school.”

Probably got horny one night, thought he was picking up a Playboy, and tragically picked up a med journal instead.  “Beans! My God, but beans make me horny!”

I see him today. He will ask what I had for lunch. He always asks.

I will tell him “beans”.  I always tell him “beans”.

He’ll be happy then. He won’t waste the ten minutes he would otherwise spend lecturing me to eat more beans.

I ate beans for lunch today.  I don’t much like beans.  But I do enjoy lying.  That I do enjoy.  Every man and woman should practice at least one art in life, at least one form of expressing themselves.  Doc has his, it’s called “medicine”.  I have mine, it’s called  “the crown of all the arts”.

Compassion, Depression, Friends, Human Nature, Humor, Kindness, Life, Living, Love, Lovers, Mental and Emotional Health, Play, Poetry, Resilience, Sadness

A Flock of Sparrows for Majel: Would You be so Tender, My love

A Flock of Sparrows for Majel

(About a 2 minute read)

In my gloomier evenings, my love,
Or even in my darker nights,

The nights when my sun threatens
To implode into a neutron star
From which so little of me can escape
To be with you — even in my darker nights,

Continue reading “A Flock of Sparrows for Majel: Would You be so Tender, My love”

Boredom, Competence, Poetry, Satire

A Flock of Sparrows for Majel: Bless! Bless the Passionate Red Lights of Christmas!

A Flock of Sparrows for Majel

(About a 2 minute read)

I interrupted Evelyn before she had properly asked her question.
“A poetry slam in Manitou? Sure I’ll go! You bet!
Now what were you going to ask?”

That was yesterday. Tonight I’m thinking, “How rude of me!
When was the last time I interrupted someone?” But then,
Twenty years since your last slam is time enough to get hungry.
Besides. Besides, I’m probably almost over the trauma of it, I hope.

Continue reading “A Flock of Sparrows for Majel: Bless! Bless the Passionate Red Lights of Christmas!”

Free Spirit, Humor, Love, Lovers, People, Poetry, Quality of Life, Relationships, Terese, Teresums

A Flock of Sparrows for Majel: An Ordinary Girl

A Flock of Sparrows for Majel

(About a 4 minute read)

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  ― Anais Nin

At twenty-one Ashley could not recall a time
Before she knew her looks were ordinary, average.
Still, it was not until she turned twenty-one
That she began to feel frustrated, thwarted,
Rebuffed by the ordinariness of her looks.

Her small circle of ancient and intimate friends
Had all paired off by then, leaving her
Not quite couple enough to be invited out.
At twenty-one Ashley was at last lonely.

An ordinary girl all her growing years,
Ashley was only now discovering how it felt
To be the average type and kind of woman,
Who falls into the category that men overlook.

Continue reading “A Flock of Sparrows for Majel: An Ordinary Girl”

Humor, People, Teresums

“Oh My Vishnu, No!”

TERESUMS:  If this is Paul Sunstone, I’m not home.

PAUL:  Very hilarious.  I’ll certainly set aside some time this month to laugh at your joke.  Right now I need answers chop chop!  What makes someone a great lover?  Answer me this instant or your head will roll! My flesh eaters are waiting for a dripping fresh post.

TERESUMS:  Have you forgotten I’m a virgin, Paul?

PAUL: Bark up an answer now!  What did your Chinese-made Lucky Dragon’s Tongue vibrator do that first made you realize you were in love with it?  I mean, besides the obvious.

TERESUMS: Easy.  It had a better personality than you.

PAUL: Got it!  “Sydney Harbor Slut Confesses:  Paul’s Gift to Me Made Me a Woman!”

TERESUMS: The only thing your gift did was eat up six packages of batteries in three days, sucked everyone of them dry.  Oh my Vishnu!  No!  No, I didn’t say that!

PAUL:  Got it!  “Exposé: Harbor Slut Sucks Fleet’s Sailors Dry in Three Day Orgy of Bhagavad Gita Proportions!”

TERESUMS:  I give up.  I surrender.  I’m through trying to reform you, Paul. I merely aim to murder you now.

Humor, People, Teresums

“Don’t You Understand the Logic Here?”

(About a 2 minute read)

TERESUMS:  Hello?  Colorado Springs Mental Health Center?  One of your patients has escaped and is calling random people in Australia.  Yes, Paul Sunstone.  I just now got off the phone from him.  Agitated?  I’d say he was quite agitated.  I suspect 30 days is the minimum you’ll want to keep him in a straight jacket.

PAUL:  Hah hah.  I can tell sitting around all day with nothing more fascinating to do than scratch your butt has finally addled your brains.  Do you really think I don’t know you have caller ID and knew it was me calling?

TERESUMS:  I don’t suppose this is a courtesy wake up call, although it is 3:02 AM local time.  Considerate as always, Paul.

Continue reading ““Don’t You Understand the Logic Here?””