Humor, People, Teresums

“Do Virgins Prefer Male Strippers or Vibrators?”

TERESUMS: Hello?

PAUL: Out with it! Do virgins lust for cock more than vibrators, or vibrators more than cock?

TERESUMS:  Is this your idea of a pleasant conversation,  Paul?

PAUL: I’ve got to know.  I’ve got to know whether to get my new girlfriend’s mom a stripping male telegram or a dildo.  Die immediately or divulge the truth!

TERESUMS:  Your friend’s mom is a virgin? Paul, that makes no sense.

PAUL: She’s divorced. Hasn’t had her nookie accessorized in decades.  I figure it’s reverted to pristine virginity by now.

TERESUMS: You can’t get her a male telegram, Paul. That’s prostitution.  It’s illegal in America everywhere outside of Nevada and Washington, D.C.

PAUL: You’re wrong about that.  Dead wrong.  It’s not prostitution, it’s freedom of speech — speech delivered by ejaculation.  I looked it up, “To ejaculate” means “to exclaim” means “to speak”.  The Constitution guarantees the right to ejaculate all you want and even in public. Just try to prove me wrong!

TERESUMS: Paul, you’re as crazy as a moon rocket gone wrong and hellbent on taking a bath in the Mariana’s Trench.

PAUL: And just what’s wrong with my way of telling my girlfriend’s mother I’d do her too, if it wouldn’t be awkward?

TERESUMS: What?  That’s what you’re trying to tell her?   That she’s a piece of meat to you?

PAUL: She’ll be flattered someone still wants to lick her launch button, despite her being a virgin, you know.

TERESUMS: Unlikely!

PAUL: Likely!

TERESUMS: Unlikely!

PAUL: Likey!

TERESUMS: Goodbye, Paul.

Humor, Teresums

Paul: At Last Pouring on the Charm Like a Rutting Bull Elk

TERESUMS: Hello? If that’s you again, Paul, shove it! Shove it right now!

PAUL: Hello there, Sweetness!  Have you cum today?  I’ll bet you’ve been routing around down there all morning like an excited monkey in a banana market. Well, have at her, Teresums — the gods know yours are not seeing any other action these days.

TERESUMS: Have I cum yet? What’s up, Paul? Is this your depraved idea of small talk? You’re trying to charm me, aren’t you?  For once, you are really trying to charm me, you insufferable donk!

PAUL: That’s what I get?  After all the hours I lay awake last night mulling over your words to me about “becoming a better man” — that’s what I get?

TERESUMS: Now you’ve made me sorry, Paul.  I should not have gone off on you. I should support your efforts.  It’s really noble of you, Paul.  Noble and admirable.

PAUL: Bless you, Teresums!  Bless you for having faith in me.  Just don’t hide anything.  Sharp focus on the pics.  I want close-ups of your tits and ass.  You can leave the face out.  Might frighten me while I’m wanking, you know.

TERESUMS: PAUL!  You flying scourge!  You’ve been trying to sweet-talk me into emailing you nude selfies all along.  You…you…you are the most lowest, treasonous piece of weaponized evil ever to crawl out of one of my nightmares.  Ever!

PAUL: I’m glad we had this warm and frank discussion.  I feel much closer to you now.  Can’t wait to get the pics.  Why don’t you run off right away and take them for me.  Take a dozen or more.  At least a dozen or more.  No faces, though, or its death by tomorrow’s dawn!

TERESUMS: Paul, I am so going to…Paul?  PAUL!  You hung up, you twikle-squirt!  Well, you can dream all you want, Paul Sunstone.  You can dream until the gods turn into clay pots, but I will never — never even so much as photoshop my face onto a porn star’s body for you.  Oh! How I wish you could hear that!  I must remember to tell it to you the blissful day I finally cream your spinach.

Humor, Teresums

“Paul, You Have No Right”

TERESUMS: Hello?

PAUL: Drag your galloping hand out of your groin and pay attention! I need facts to finish up a post — a sure-to-be-Nobel-Prize-winning-post.  Investigative journalism at its finest.  “Exposé, India’s Gods: The Slave Farms Where the Gods Were Inbred to Have Six Arms Revealed At Last!” Now don’t leave anything out!  Everything you know about the farms.  Everything!  30 seconds or else death!

Continue reading ““Paul, You Have No Right””

Anthropology, Behavioral Genetics, Belief, Biology, Creative Thinking, Cultural Change, Cultural Traits, Culture, Feminism, Genetics, Human Nature, Ideologies, Life, Morality, Science, Talents and Skills, Teresums

How the Internet Changed My View of Human Nature

(About a 7 minute read)

Back when I was in high school, I read B.F. Skinner’s Behaviorism, and was quickly converted to philosophical behaviorism — the deterministic notion that our behavior is solely decided by all that we learn from the moment of our birth onward.

There is no room in behaviorism for the notion of free will, but neither is there room for the notion that we might have an universal human nature rooted in our genes — or even a genetically based individual nature also rooted in our genes.

So by the time I got to university I was ripe to discover that all ideas were inventions. That each idea had a history, and that there was a time before it had been cooked up by someone, and then spread to other people.

Continue reading “How the Internet Changed My View of Human Nature”

Humor, Teresums

Teresums, You’ve Got Things to Learn From Me!

TERESUMS: Hello?

PAUL: Fast! Quit your abusing yourself like a depraved priest with a comely donkey, and answer me — your choice: Anal vibrators or flavored condoms?  Chop! Chop!  The question couldn’t be simpler, you twisted child, you should have the answer for me by now.

TERESUMS: Huh? “Anal vibrators or condoms”, but for what?

Continue reading “Teresums, You’ve Got Things to Learn From Me!”

Humor, Teresums

“Payback, Paul! There Shall be Payback!”

(About a 2 minute read)

TERESUMS: Hello?

PAUL: Quick, damn it! Get your precious, rotor-routing finger out of your nose and answer me! What does this devilishly handsome, soon-to-be-a-Nobel-Prize-winner blogger need to blog about this morning? Meaning: What do my flesh-eaters crave like crack this time? Cough it up or this day die!

TERESUMS: Paul! It’s three in the bloody morning Sydney time!

PAUL: Sydney time’s not god’s time, twisted child. Fact is, no place in Oz is close to god — or anything else, for that matter – except New Zealand, which you Aussies are quite obviously too close to.  Just like Kiwis are way too emotionally close to their sheep, if you ask me. If I was a Kiwi, I wouldn’t want one of you standing too close behind me unless I was just begging for some PTSD.

Continue reading ““Payback, Paul! There Shall be Payback!””

Humor, Teresums

“I’m Going to Make You Die Slow, Paul”

(About a 1 minute read)

TERESUMS: My room is awesome now.  Totally clean.

PAUL: Why is your mom awesome?

TERESUMS: I said my room, you dongle-cherry.

PAUL: Your mom is your room now? You’re a strange one, Teresums.

TERESSUMS: No. No. No, my mum is a separate entity from my room.

PAUL: Well of course she is! Have you ever known any sane person to think their room was their mother.  I’ve known people who thought their aunt or someone was their mother, but their room? If you ask me, that’s something only you would think, Teresums.

TERESUMS: Paul!

PAUL: Eh? Are you thinking I’m your mother now?  I worry about you, Teresums.  I really worry about you.

TERESUMS: By Vishnu! I’m so confused now I only know I want to kill you.

PAUL: Now you sound like my two ex-wives.  This is your way of suggesting we get married, isn’t it? Hah! I knew it! I can see right through you, Teresums.  In your defense, I am indeed irresistible to the female sex.  I’m quite accustomed to women becoming positively feral around me, you know.

TERESUMS: I swear to you, Paul, you delusional dorkle-squat, when the blissful day comes at last to break the bitter drought of happiness that descended upon my heart when we met, I’m going to make you die as slow as Trump’s brain.

PAUL: I see. I finally see it.  I don’t know why it took me so long to catch onto your true feelings, Terese.  So, June of next year?  Who’s going to be your bridesmaid?  I can’t wait to find out.