Alienation From Self, Angst, Anhedonism, Anxiety, Attached Love, Attachment, Buddhism, Delusion, Depression, Emotional Dependency, Emotions, Fear, Fun, Gluttony, Greed, Happiness, Human Nature, Life, Love, Lovers, Marriage, New Love, Quality of Life, Romantic Love, Self, Self-Knowledge, Sex, Wisdom

Pleasure is Like a Fire: It Warms You or it Burns

(About a 6 minute read)

I will be among the last people on earth to become an ascetic.   The idea of rejecting pleasure — all pleasure — for any reason gut-punches me.  It’s alien, it’s unnecessary, it’s outrageous.

Or at least that’s what my instincts tell me.  Whatever the reason, I simply wasn’t born to be an ascetic.  Not my path at all.  Someone else may “get” asceticism, benefit from it, but not me.

So it might seem curious to some of you that I have gone a full two years in my life without even once laughing out loud.  Not once in two years.

Continue reading “Pleasure is Like a Fire: It Warms You or it Burns”

Abuse, Adolescence, Adolescent Sexuality, Alienation, Art, Artist, Attached Love, Attachment, Celibacy, Competence, Erotic Love, Ethics, Free Spirit, Horniness, Human Nature, Lovers, People, Political Issues, Quality of Life, Relationships, Self, Self-Knowledge, Sex, Sexuality, Sexualization, Values, Wisdom

I Dumped Her When She Soaked Me With Buckets of Love

(About a 6 minute read)

Ask nearly anyone to sum up adolescence in a few words and most likely one of those words will be “confusing”.  Whatever else it is, that word is just as focused on a key truth as a teenage boy is focused on his friend’s suddenly perky nipples the very first time he espies them by the light of the werewolf moon.

What is often not mentioned, however, is how frequently adolescent confusions turn all manner of relationships into cruel ropes that jerk their victims back when they try to run from a bad situation.  Even blind or unintended abuse is magnified by the fact kids bond so quickly and firmly to each other.

Continue reading “I Dumped Her When She Soaked Me With Buckets of Love”

Consciousness, Judgementalism, Life, Love, Quality of Life

There is no Ordinary Escape from Judgementalism

Judgementalism destroyed my first marriage, killed her heart for me.  It was helped along by many other factors, of course, including one factor far more important than it: Irreconcilable differences.

But judgmentalism was perhaps the second most important factor, and one that had no excuse of being necessary.  She could have done without it, and so could have I.

Of course, it took a long time for me to see the significance to my marriage of judgmentalism.  I was in my late 30s when I at last got around to closely examining it, and that was in connection with a young woman I loved.

Love and judgementalism are mortal enemies.  Throw them in the same ring together and one or the other dies.  Some folks — usually an abused partner — believe both can thrive together, but that’s simply not true.  If you take care to closely observe the matter, you will see for yourself that where the one is, the other is not.

To be sure, you can take pleasure in someone while judging them.  It’s just that you cannot love them.  I mention that because so many of us mistake the pleasure we get from someone — along with our desire for more of it — mistake it for love.

Please note:  I speak here of unconditional love, which is fairly rare.  Unconditional love, in my  experience, is incompatible with judgementalism.  However, there are several kinds of love, and the others do indeed seem compatible.

Can judgementalism be brought to an end?  I do not think so.  At least, not through any ordinary means, for it seems to be a function of consciousness itself.  As long as we are conscious, we are judging people and things.

However, it seems to me we can greatly ameliorate judgmentalism by becoming acutely aware of it, and then refusing to take our judgments seriously when it is neither useful nor necessary to do so.

Questions?  Comments?

Alienation From Self, Authenticity, Being True To Yourself, Free Spirit, Fun, Human Nature, Life, Oppression, Play, Poetry, Quality of Life, Self, Self-determination, Spiritual Alienation, Spirituality, Talents and Skills, Values, Wisdom

It’s Wonderful to be Reborn as Yourself

(About a 1 minute read)

It’s wonderful to be yourself.

It’s a release to be true —
A little short of finding god,
Which is almost as good as the smell
Of leather and of rain.

You feel your powers growing
As your talents fully express,
Burst the concrete
You laid above them
And leaf out for the light
of fun.

Yeah, you still must care
Socially, environmentally,
And all. You cannot murder,
You cannot rape, you cannot rob.
But putting bummers aside,
You can thrive, you can flourish,
You can live.

Often we don’t know how
Because we try to compromise
In order to please the bosses,
The spouses, the partners,
The families, the friends,
The peers, the public,
The leaders, the fools,
The dogs, the cats,
The rabbits, the mice,
And our barnyard lovers
Who once were our only
True fated friends.

It never ends until the day,
Which always comes a bit late,
When our love transcends
Both our fears and desires,
Reaches that mass that must
Now kindle into fire.

That’s when the walls
We made out of standards
We purchased from others
And hopes we could conform
Shudder and shake and shatter,
And we’re reborn.

Adolescent Sexuality, Alienation, Attached Love, Attachment, Emotional Dependency, Erotic Love, Impermance, Infatuation, Life, Love, Lovers, Marriage, Mature Love, New Love, Passion, Quality of Life, Relationships, Self, Self-Knowledge, Tara Lynn

How Love Ends

(About a 5 minute read)

Some people have time machines.  They take you back a few decades, maybe more than a few.  This morning was hardly past first light before a man I know had posted on a forum a long-winded sermon, self-righteously confident that women (“especially in California”) have turned love into “a temporal thing”.

His ex “moved on too fast”, you see, and he resents that about a woman he no longer wants anything to do with — beyond still control her every move, apparently — should now prove to him that all her words of love were false when she once was in love with him.

Continue reading “How Love Ends”

Boredom, Conversation, Quality of Life, Teresums

Seven Frolicsome Guidelines to a Great Conversation!

(About a 11 minute read)

“I begin with the principle that all men are bores. Surely no one will prove himself so great a bore as to contradict me in this.”  — Soren Kierkegaard



PAUL:  You! Woman! Tell me fast because I don’t have any time today for you and your precious small talk.  I’m under a tight publishing schedule. My readers are hungry for new flesh.  Answer me: What makes me the world’s best conversationalist?  You should know.  You’re one of the people still talking to me.  Thirty seconds.

TERESUMS: Paul, I feel pressured.  You’re not being fair!

PAUL: Got it! I’m great because because I’m not fair.  What else?  Twenty seconds.

TERESUMS: But Paul, I didn’t meant that!

PAUL: Got it! I never say what I mean.  Fifteen now.

TERESUMS: Paul, you can’t be serious.  Wait! I said nothing!  Nothing!

PAUL:  Serious about nothing.  You’re being a great help.  Wrap it up now.  Bottom line!

TERESUMS: Paul, you’re off your meds.  I can tell.

PAUL: Always on drugs.  Great key factors, Terese!  You’re a great help — for a girl!

TERESUMS: I swear by Krishna, if I ever get my hands even near your throat….Paul?  Are you there, Paul?

Dear Readers, please take note this post is firmly in keeping with the excellent standards and traditions of Café Philos and of me, Paul Sunstone. It is guaranteed not fair, not what I mean, not serious, and I swear I was on drugs when I wrote it.  Enjoy, you insatiable flesh eating beasts!

Continue reading “Seven Frolicsome Guidelines to a Great Conversation!”

Deity, Faith, God, God(s), Happiness, Human Nature, Infatuation, Life, Love, Passion, Poetry, Quality of Life, Religion, Self, Spirituality

A River Runs Beneath Us

(About a 2 minute read)

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi

A river runs beneath us called “Life”
That we sip from but do not drink
That once flowed abundantly above ground
When our short legs ran fast
So fast we believed we could
(In just a week or so)
Chase bullets and jump high to catch
The winged wonders of the air.

Strange how it went
The other way.

Something changed.
We became adults long before
Our bodies did,
And the flow of life
Sank beneath our feet,
Feet that were growing and slowing.

Now we are devout

In mimicking thoughts of strangers,
Men and women we call sages,
For the protection their words give
Least we look for ourselves again.

Our gods protect us too
Now that we have buried them
Between us and the river.

We look away from life
With radiant upturned faces,
Though we say we look to find
Eternal love and bliss
In the forever-closer distance.

Our loves protect us now
That we have buried them too.

They lurk in the earth,
From co-dependencies.

We discover in both
Our pleasures and our pains
Useful entertainments
And distractions
From the sound of water.

The water we recoil from,
Preferring a few dry stones:
Remnants of the hours
We come close
To making love.

We hide our fears,
Wrapping them in anger,
In hatreds,
And in anxieties;
Watching screens,
So many screens these days,
While beneath us
The river still flows.

Some day we aim to touch the stars,
Become the cosmic heroes of our dreams
On the soaring mound of lies
We’ve heaped beneath us.

Only the fresh smell of water
Grows fainter by the hour.