Humor, Satire

Help! Someone Thinks He Knows My Penis!

(About a 2 minute read)

While I am absolutely certain that I have never met this person, he is equally certain he has met my penis.

I know he believes he has met my penis because he is not satisfied with it. It is too short for him. Sometimes it is even too thin for him. But it is never just right. So, at any hour of the day or night, I am very likely to get an email from him insisting that I add “up to three inches” to my penis. Insisting that I do so. Demanding it, in fact. It is as if the only thing keeping him alive is his demented goal of vastly improving my penis.

I have thought of writing back to the deranged idiot telling him that if I wanted to vastly improve my penis I would tattoo a bold racing stripe down the side of it — or better yet, a lightening bolt — but that I am quite satisfied with its size, and perhaps he should get a life. But I have learned in my 50 years to never argue with idiots. It only brings out the worse in them, and I most assuredly do not want to see this particular idiot at his very worse.

I know I am not the only one he is concerned about. I have heard others complain that they too are the target of this demented fool’s obsession with their penises. So, my real question is, “Who is encouraging him?” “Who is responding to him often enough that he is ever hopeful someone else will also buy his penis growth product?” And I can only imagine one group of people who are characteristically so naive, so stupid, and so gullible that they would respond to this guy’s emails: Bimbo Talk Show Hosts.

Yes, it must be those Bimbo Talk Show Hosts. Who else is stupid enough to buy his product? Only the Administration comes close and even the Administration is smarter than the world’s Bimbo Talk Show Hosts. The Administration would never compensate for their very small neocon penises by buying his scam growth product. Instead, they would compensate by invading a country or two. But Bimbo Talk Show Hosts — that’s another matter. They are so gullible I bet even the female Bimbo Talk Show Hosts have bought his product. Surely, Ann Coulter has. Worse, she is probably disappointed she hasn’t seen any results yet.

11 thoughts on “Help! Someone Thinks He Knows My Penis!”

  1. Normally I wouldn’t respond to this type of post (no offense) But this is hilarious!!! I really laughed, and I am still laughing…and shaking my head at the same time. This was great!

    Like

  2. What is it with that guy, Ed? Doesn’t he ever get out? I bet he hasn’t seen the sun in ages. Just sits in his bedroom emailing people at all hours of the day and night.

    Rambodoc, LMAO! Why couldn’t I think of “happenis”? LOL! I might have to steal that one from you!

    Thank you, Enreal! It means a lot to me that it got you laughing!

    Like

  3. I’VE ACTUALLY WRITTEN BACK BEFORE, YOU KNOW. I GET THEM TOO. (WEIRD, HUH.)
    I’LL HAVE TO DIG THROUGH MY FOLDERS AND FIND SAID REPLY TO THE GUY WHO THINKS I SUCK IN BED. YOU ALL OUGHT TO SEE IT.

    Like

  4. He emails me too! I’ve been tempted to tell him that I don’t have a penis, but I figure that might be way more disappointing to him than if I had no penis.

    He also keeps assuring me that my partner wants me to have a larger penis, but Matt tells me he’s very wrong.

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  5. Whenever I read manga online, all the ads put together reveal my web identity, and it’s depressing indeed. I need a girlfriend BAD, preferably a Russian or a hot local Asian. I need dental implants, I need to lose weight, I’m wimpy, my penis is too small, and I’m in debt from student loans. I feel really bad for the guy who actually lives this life and to whom all these ads are spot-on, as his attempts at escapism are constantly interrupted with reminders of his sub-par life.

    Like

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